Never Say Goodbye

Chapter 5

 I wake up and see Caleb's face near mine, so close that I can see the thin line of blue around brown. "You're awake!" he cries. "Oh! Thank God! I thought you weren't going to make it!"

"Yeah, me, neither," I admit. Something is taped under my nose. I start to pull it off.

"No! Don't! You need that to breathe," he informs me.

"I do?" Everything comes at me, like a strong wind pushing me down. I will die. I will die. I will die. And no one will care. I start to cry; I can't help myself. I want to live; I need to live.

Caleb hugs me.

"I love you," he tells me.

"And I you," I say. "A quote from Divergent by Veronica Roth came to mind. "'I'm not trying to be self-deprecating,' I say, 'I just don't get it. I'm younger. I'm not pretty. I-'""

"'He laughs, a deep laugh that sounds like it came from deep inside him, and touches his lips to my temple,'" he continues.

"'"Don't pretend," I say, breathily. "You know I'm not. I'm not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty."'" I respond.

"'"Fine. You're not pretty. So?" He kisses my cheek.'"

"In reality, though, and not in a book, I am not pretty. I don't get it. You say you 'love' me, but how? That question has been gnawing at my insides, taking my guts out one by one, and-"

"That's why."

"What?"

"That's why I 'love' you. What girl starts talking about questions taking out guts?"

"What do you mean?"

"You are so busy being yourself that you don't understand that you are just being amazing and utterly unique!"

"Which is another way to say weird," I remind him.

"It is also a way to say special. I can't see why you can't just accept that I like you! You are special! You are amazing! You are mine!"

"I don't understand why you can't just accept that I am nothing! That you don't deserve me! You deserve more than what I can give you!"

"I can't believe you! You say no one can love you, but that's an insult to me. I love you. And I'm not 'no one'. Accept that. Please." His eyes beg with mine to accept what he is telling me, but I won't. I can't. It is impossible, and I decided a long time ago not to believe in things that are impossible.

"I'm sorry. I can't," I answer.

"At least try, or we can't be together! I can't be with a girl who doesn't believe in her own talents!"

"I can't believe you are giving me an ultimatum!" I sigh. "Fine! I'll try!" Caleb stares at me, unconvinced. "I will. I'll at least try. I promise," I answer.

"Okay," he says, still unconvinced.

"Thank you. No promises, though!" He looks at me. "I'm just joking!" His eyes lighten.

"You should go to sleep," he replies.

"No! I just woke up."

"You need your sleep."

"I literally just woke up. A minute ago. I don't need that much rest. Will you stay with me, though?" I request. He nods. "So," I say, "when am I going to leave this place?" Caleb doesn't answer. "Caleb? What's wrong? Oh god! You've changed your mind! I knew it! I got my hopes up, and then-"

"No!" he interrupts. "No. I, uh, well, you, uh, well-"

"You have! You've changed your mind. Fine! Well-"

"Stop! Will you please stop putting yourself down! I have not, nor will I ever, change my mind about you! It's just, well, the doctor says . . ." He sighs. "The doctor says you won't be able to go home for a long time. Or walk. Or go to school. Or do anything for that matter. But-"

"What? What do you mean I won't be able to go home for a while? I-"

"We'll get through this. Okay? Whatever happens to you happens to me, too," he answers.

"You don't have to-"

"I want to. I promise. Okay? We will get through this. Together," he reminds me.

"You know you can leave me here forever. You can go home, never see me again. You can-"

"I don't want to. I want to stay with you 'in sickness and in health'."

"You realize that's for a wedding vow, right?" I ask him.

"I realize."

"And you're saying that to me." I urge.

"Mmhm." he confirms.

"You don't get how weird that is, do you?"

"No clue." I see a smile curl across his lips, so I know he's joking. I laugh a slight laugh. He leans in to kiss me, but I go limp. I don't know what's happening. My leg hurts a little, but not that much. It's really my chest that burns, like a million knives stabbing my heart, trying to kill me.

Caleb pulls back, a concerned look on his face. "What's wrong? Is it your leg?" I don't answer. "Is it?" I shake my head. "Your foot? Your shoulder? Your face? Anything?" I nod. It is something. I try to speak, but I can't. I can't even scream.

My chest hurts so much that my vision goes black at the edges. I nod down, indicating towards my chest. "Your chest?" I nod. "Oh, no. Okay. I'll get the doctor again." Caleb runs away.

He runs back into the hospital room a minute later. He is followed by Dad and a doctor. "She says her chest really hurts. Well, she can't talk, but she indicated that her chest hurts," Caleb informs the doctor.

"How much does it hurt?" the doctor asks. I hold up nine fingers. "Oh, my," he whispers. Caleb starts to look worried. For the millionth time, all I think is, Die. Die, die, die.

Caleb strokes my hand by my side, but I hardly feel any pressure. I don't know if I'm screaming; I don't know anything. Please, I think, just die. Do this one thing for me, body. Just die.

I think tears are streaming down my face.

I think Caleb is beside me and my dad in front of me.

I think the doctor is inspecting me.

I know I am going to die.