It's not just another Sunday 02JUL2017
Today I surprisingly made it to my 22nd birthday. This and every birthday after today will be a tremendous feat. 18 months ago I tried taking my life at the age of twenty. You don't take a shotgun blast to the chin and survive it. I woke up that morning intending on ending my life and never seeing another birthday. Looking back on that day I've come to realize that I didn't really have a good reason to kill myself. Every "reason" I've been telling myself and everyone else I brought on to myself. Every excuse I make to this day is still stupid. My life may still be in shambles, but it's still not worth taking my life over. Life is a precious thing that we are all lucky enough to endure. Everything that I've over dramatized I could've prevented if I just would've stopped and asked myself what the hell am I doing. Yeah, I may have been depressed, but really, who isn't? Everyone goes through a depressed time period in their life, but not everyone tries to take their own life. I don't regret trying to kill myself one bit, but I need to start admitting to myself that what I did on 21DEC2015 was the stupidest thing I could ever done. I risked taking my life for what? Because I was getting kicked out of my house, because I couldn't stop smoking weed, or maybe because I keep blaming myself for my parents divorce when I had absolutely nothing to do with it. It's time to move the fuck on with my life and make myself happy. Why do I keep making my own life difficult? I'm 22 years old, I shouldn't be stressing myself out over things that will be irrelevant in a few months. I need to start enjoying every day I wake up because I know I shouldn't be waking up, and I for damn sure know I should not have made it to this day. I'm a walking miracle, it's time I start taking full advantage of this second chance and stop ruining it like I did with my first chance. These past 18 months I've done nothing but blame others for what I did to MYSELF. It's time to start owning up to this and stop blaming other people for my mistakes. I need to take ownership for this, I've played the blame game long enough. That shits dead now. Then I stop and think, maybe this mistake was supposed to happen. Before I committed this mistake, I was a 16 year old kid trapped in a 20 year olds body. After everything happened, I grew past at least five years of my actual age. My childish outlook on life changed, certain views changed, and numerous other things changed since that day. So yeah, it was a stupid decision I made, but at the same time it was the best thing that could've happened to me and other people who will soon find out about it if they don't already. The knowledge I have now can save countless lives. Obviously I am as open as I can possibly be about this subject. That's never going to change and I will never hide the fact that this happened to me no matter who it is. This will always be apart of me no matter how many surgeries I go through to cover up the physical damage I caused. If people judge me for what I did, shoot me dirty looks, or laugh at me, then so be it. I don't care, I love me and all of my mental/physical deformities. People will call me stupid, a coward, and even weak for not being able to get through the darkest time of my life. I call it strength, perseverance, and courage for risking my own life just to fix my issues. It is the biggest risk I will ever take in life and I am extremely proud of the way I've come out of the shadows. I still have shadows that creep over me to this day, but there's not enough darkness worth trying to end my life ever again. I have too much light to shine on those shadows to ever let it consume me. From this birthday to every other birthday I get to celebrate until it's actually my time die. Everyday I will strive for nothing but happiness, when I'm having a bad day I will not go to sleep until I made the day the best possible day. I'm not about to keep letting my mental issues ruin my happiness. I am far too strong for that, and I've had enough of my issues getting the best of me. It's time I take complete control of my life, my happiness, my positivity, and my mental issues. I am strong, and I will prove everyday that I'm the strongest fighter this planet has ever seen. Believe that.
