I am falling.
I have been falling for years
down a dark hole of self doubt
and self hatred
sure,
i know how to save myself from a toxic relationship
but that doesn't mean
i don't stay until i can't take it anymore
i know the signs
i know the feelings
i'm just so scared to be alone
that i hate being at home
i sit in my room,
and i cry
or i distract myself
with anything
playing the same stupid phone game
for hours
or watching the same youtube video
over and over again
or getting high with my best friend
or getting drunk at an elementary park
at one in the morning with people
who make life less shitty
it never helps
the thoughts never leave
and i am so scared to admit that i'm falling
so scared
to say i need help
because once i do.
it becomes real
