I don't know anymore. Life is a roller coaster of feelings and thoughts that I don't know how to handle. The world seems impossibly big and I feel impossibly small in comparison. Sometimes, it's as if I'm just a transparent girl, nothing more. I never know what to say or do. It feels as though I'm alone most of the time. It feels like I'm screaming, yelling, but no one can hear me, just like up in space. My mind is like space, dark, lonely, and so unnervingly quite. Yet, it's so full, and everything is going to fast and too far too quick. Then all at once, it stops. Everything, there's a moment of clarity, like coming up for air while swimming. The world as you know it stands still, and everything stops. It makes sense for a little bit, it's as thought I'm seeing the world clearly for the first time in years. Then, without warning or reasoning, it all starts up again. The chaos of the mind.
No one can say they know it all, it's impossible. There's too much out there to know it all. Some people just like to think they have everything under control and all straightened out. Perhaps it brings a sense of comfort to them, makes the believe that it'll all be okay if they lie to them self enough. Maybe, they think that the made up can become real and outshine the truth of what life is.
People love to have control, it brings a sense of calm and steadiness. Control can make anyone think that nothing could go wrong. That everything is going to be fine since they have control. Really, no one ever has all the control. We can't control what the weather chooses to do, or the things that people want to say. It's impossible to have all the control, because as long as there are people out there with their own thoughts and words, you can't control anything.
I can't have control, not as long as I have a mind and heart. There are times that I can over power my emotions, use my mind and trick myself into thinking that I'm okay for a change. That's the power of my mind, but that's still not enough control. Not enough to stop it from all crashing down at once. The mind can only do so much in the end, and stopping everything bad from happening is not one of them. Sadly. Wouldn't that be nice? To be able to change and stop things from happening with your mind. Maybe there wouldn't be pain, or heart break. It'd be a miracle of there was a way for the mind to warn you that something bad will happen, or warn you of a bad person. Perhaps bad things wouldn't happen then, maybe they would all go away. All of the evil. All of the pain
That's just not how it works though, it'll never work that way. No human has that much control.
I'm thinking that there's a reason why no one does though, maybe, it's for the best, and that's how it has to be in order to keep the world safe. Even though control could make things safer, it could also create even more chaos if given to the wrong person with a wrong mindset.
Maybe that's the whole reason of control. People get angry about not being able to have it, but the point isn't to envy it, it's to keep the world safer. Make sure that it'll be okay in the long run. Or maybe the idea of control is just mocking all of us.
I don't know anymore.
-Kleven
