The Past Childhood

Life's been tough

Having to go through life without a father is difficult. Him loving me and sometimes hating me is always the thought on my mind. I want him back. I want the pain to end. Even if he loved others more. Even if he scolded me.
I still want him back in front of me.

Seeing other kids with their father hurts me but i would rather them loving their father whole they can than they regret ever mistreating their parents. One day they would miss them and would regret their action. While others don't have the opportunity of loving thekr parents. Some have problems but solving it would have been an option if they could.

Him leaving me has made me feel empty. My life seems no fun. Him being present atleast putting the news made me feel his acknowledgement in the house. Everything seems to have his memories which i wish to escape. It makes me feel suffocated thinking about him and he is not here for me. Or for others.

They say i am like him. His height, his face, his eyebrows but i'm i really like him? His love for his family never faltered once. Am i strong enough to be able to do his work?

Somedays when my teachers ask me about my father, i am clueless. I become emotionless when i talk about him. It feels like my heart is being ripped from my body. It hurts a lot. Every action i do makes me remember him.

Does me being his shadow make me bad? He was one that made mistakes but he was also one that helped loads of people. What he did till the day he passed away was seen as good and bad deeds. Life seems cruel to me. But not only me. There are others. Sometimes i wish it goes away. The pain is destructive.

I feel like being here makes it worse. The memories hit like a train. Crashing around like waves hitting on rocks in the sea. It's beautiful yet scary and winded.

Some people crack me up while some just make me feel emotionless. I feel more strong while being emotionless. No one feels my current emotions. I prefer it more than anything else. I could care less what others say about me. But that's how life is...