The Dark Cloud

This story is nothing new or original, but I think I need to say this.

Sometimes I think back to swinging on my swing set with friends or playing Sharks and Minnows in the neighborhood pool against random strangers. I wonder where those times went. The times were most people got along and we were so carefree. The days you didn't have to watch your back every moment because someone could turn on you in an instant. The times when the world was bright.

The bright and happy world I once knew is gone. Replaced with the dull gray of reality. The flowers in spring are no longer beautiful symbol of new life, now there the symbols of painful allergies. Any symbol of joy has a backside of sadness and pain with it now. I've been doing some reflecting lately and trying to figure out what went wrong. Why can't I see the bright side of things anymore?

Do you want to know the answer? I have no fricken clue. But I guess that's just a part of growing up sometimes and it's just a phase I have to get through. I want to get over it, I honestly do, but these last few years have been hard.

The gray skies that could shine a light when I needed it most have gone dark. It's been replaced with a dark, unpenetrable cloud.

It started with just the cloud and then the cloud started talking. Everything I said. Everything I did. Any mistake I made did not go unnoticed.

"Everyone has such high expectations, don't disappoint."

"Watch what you say, one mistake and they'll never like you again."

"You'll never be good enough."

"You'll never be like them."

"Why do you even try to create? Everything you try and make sucks."

I tried to fight it at first. I try to keep talking. I tried to keep creating. I'm trying not to let everyone I love down.

Then, my motivation to do anything stopped. My stories have gone unwritten. The game I've been working has gone unfinished. All I do now is sit at my computer, chastising myself for not doing anything productive.

I want to continue writing, I really do. But every time I try and look at what I've done and hate it. Then the cloud comes back. And my motivation to create slowly drips away again.

As I said, this had been going on for the past two years or so. And somehow, it got worse. If you had asked me if that was possible, I would have said no. But these last few months have been Hell.

The dark cloud has been growing darker. Well, I guess the cloud isn't the right word for it anymore, it's more like a sickening fog. The voices drown out any sense of reason and become suffocatingly thick. It shows me my worst fears: my friends leaving me, disappointing everyone, failing at everything that matters. There are no breaks. It's a constant barrage of hate and pain now.

The problem is, no one notices. If they do, they don't say anything. I guess no one sees the anxiety I've been hiding behind a smile during the most simple conversations. The blackness surrounding whispering, "Better watch what you say, if they knew what you think they would hate. Then you would have no one." Why doesn't anyone see it?

I've stopped talking as much as I used to. I haven't been eating or sleeping as well. I can't remember the last time I wasn't stressed. Pressure weighing on the simplest of actions.

Why can't anyone see?!

I want to be able to see the bright side of life again. I want to be happy again. I want to believe the happy go lucky phrases I tell people. I want the suffocating fog to go away. I want to appreciate the simple things again. I want to stop thinking the worst in every single situation.

I want someone to notice.

I want to be able to say my opinion without fearing the backlash.

I want to trust people again.

I want to enjoy life again.

I want to be happy again.

Will someone show me how to beat the darkness?

   PLEASE!

But I know this isn't a problem someone else can solve. I have to do this myself. No matter how much I want someone to come in with a bright light and force the darkness away, no one will. If I want to make everyone proud I have to do this by myself. I'm sure one day the darkness will leave, but until then I just have the face the crippling anxiety alone. Let no one know how I really feel.

One day I'll see the bright side of the world again.

I just hope it's someday soon.

A/N: I don't think anyone reads my stuff anymore, as said in the description, this is kinda an explanation as to why my posts have been so sporadic. But I want any of you who are actually reading this, that I'm going to try. Death's Angel is going to be my start, I promise no rewrites this time. But just try to understand if posts are not on a good schedule. I hope all of you are doing great.

-Love Y'all

Fleur de Mer