I have no idea

Tuesday October 23rd, 2018

I have no idea what i'm doing. All i know is that i need an outlet. A healthy outlet. I've tried drugs, alcohol, sex even. But nothing seems to be working. 

I think it all started when my Great grandmother passed away. She was the only one who didn't think i needed to change. She was the only one i didn't have to be perfect around. I knew for a fact, no matter how messy my face got or how nasty my morning breath was, she'd always always be there. Until one day, she wasn't. Ever since then, i have felt myself getting farther and farther away to where i once was. 

Change is good. Believe me. It's good. I love to change things around. I like to walk on different paths to get somewhere. I like to meet new people. I like to try new things. The second i get comfortable, life hits me dead in the jaw and here i am, stuck back at square one and i have no idea what i'm doing. I like to be ready for things. 

I'm not a writer. I'd rather read an amazing book, rather than right it. 

And the thing that amazes me about writers and authors? When they write about love, they can literally write it in a million different ways and make you feel everything that they want you to. It's crazy. Love is only one word. One emotion. And yet, it can lead to so many different emotions. Love is also scary. And it's not supposed to be. Love is supposed to be easy. But in this time period, people are mistaking lust and attraction for love and honestly, it's ruining perfect, pure hearts. 

When i run out of words for someone, physical contact is my next best option. If i can't tell you how beautiful your body is, ill kiss every inch of you. If i can't yell and scream at the top of my lungs all the ways you hurt me, i'll kick and punch  whatever i can to help me cope. I have no idea why. 

I always used to think there was a meaning behind everything.  That everything had a pattern. But now, as i get older, i sit and wonder. What if it doesn't ? What if everything that happens, happens for no reason. Nor does anything follow. 

You know what i don't understand... Platonic relationships. People are hard to read. Idk

Well, i'm signing off. Until next time.

Keep an open mind,

Violet N.