Sunshine's Secrets {NCT Donghyuck/Haechan}

Chapter 1: It's Easier Playing Pretend

"Hyuck, we're going to eat at that Chinese place Chenle has been going crazy about, you coming?" Mark hovers next to the light brown-haired vocalist on the floor. NCT Dream had finally wrapped up their practice for the day and everyone is possessed by hunger at this rate.

"Go ahead first, I'll catch up in a jiff" he mumbled with an exaggerated look of exhaustion, Mark chuckled at him. "Okay, but if you're late the food will be all gone!" and off the boy runs, leaving Donghyuck alone in the now silent practice room.

"I'm fine......I'm totally fine......tired...just tired..." he chants to no one in particular, the male squeezed his eyes and covered his face with the palm of his hands. Cold tears drip down his cheeks, and faint muffled sobs echoes around him.

He's so freaking tired, the way he had needed to put up that stupid image he has as an idol to his fans and his own bandmates debilitated all his energy, physically and mentally. All the pent-up frustration, sadness, insecurities, fears, all of it came down crashing on him in one fall swoosh. It was his duty to put smiles on other's faces, even if it meant tearing apart his own happiness.

All the while he joked, sassed and laugh, beneath it all was someone desperately crying for help. No one knew who Lee Donghyuck was, they only knew his parallel self, Haechan. Haechan, Donghyuck thinks of, is the perfect version of himself.

The one who's never sad, the one who brings sunshine to rainy days, the one who would bite back at any insult thrown at him, the one everyone loves. Not Donghyuck, Donghyuck is a coward, he breaks easily and any insult would slice him to bits, Donghyuck wouldn't know how to brighten up people's days, how could he when he couldn't do that for himself.

Donghyuck is insecure about everything, the imperfections on his skin, the way his body looked in the mirror, the way he looked stupid trying to dance in sync with others who were far more flawless. Donghyuck hurts himself, he starves and sometime purged or cuts. He's far from what Haechan was.

Haechan was the perfect illusion of perfection that Donghyuck wished he could be.

Donghyuck cries and sobs, no one, no one knows, and he's all alone. He thought, when he came to train, he'd been a child with hopes and dreams to happily sing and perform on stage, enjoying the feeling of being the reason behind thousands of smiles. But little Donghyuck learnt the world wasn't created to turn it's clogs that way.

Everything shattered, rough training, how his confidence and self-esteem crumbled, the nights fearing he'll be kicked out of the trainees and crying to sleep, seeing people come and go that comes with continuous hellos and goodbyes. If someone ever told him he had it easy, he was going to laugh hysterically and scream in their faces.

But through every bitter moment, there was no one to hold his hand, no one to tell him things will get better. Because of that, an almost indestructible wall was built around him. He couldn't and wouldn't let anyone in no more, too scared, too terrified of judgement, hate, and the all too terrifying confrontation and talks he'll be forced in.

So, when he's in public and camera's eyes, he's Haechan

When he's with his members, he's Haechan

But when he's alone, pitiful self wrapped by silence. He's the pathetic Lee Donghyuck

Donghyuck moves his arm to cover his mouth, his teeth biting down on flesh. The pain brought him instant relief, it was so easy to just hurt himself and let the pain take away all the ache. After an agonizing 10 minutes, he lets both arms fall to his sides.

The clock shows 2:30p.m and if he doesn't move now, they're going to come and find him. He dragged himself up to stand, wipe away any trace of crying from his face. He makes his way to the bathroom, washes the bite marks scattered on his arms.

How sickening of him, to anyone it was a horrid sight but to Donghyuck it was a pretty constellation on his arms. Pulling down his sleeves, he stares into the mirror. "Be the liar you know you are" he mumbled to himself.

He forced out a smile

"Time to be Haechan"