Her Confliction

A Pitiful Disturbance

"...the activities aren't really fun. I just eat in my room alone, the usual." Baker concluded with a shrug, staring at Alana that stood in front of the window, looking at the dim blue sky.

Baker hadn't felt more awkward being in the same room with a girl he dates, well, used to date. He didn't know what to call them anymore. Going behind her back to hook up with someone she trusts with her life wasn't part of his life plans, denying it isn't going to change anything either. The unkept promises that were made to her came knocking on his door. Now here he was, sitting in the same room with a woman that doesn't know of his affair. He needed to get this guilt off his chest, it has been lingering for some time now.

"Alana," he called out. Her positions remained unchanged, her eyes were still fixed at the sky that had gotten a bit darker.

"Alana," he tried again. "There's something you should know."

"You're with Sonia."

"Yes, I'm with Sonia and-" he stopped, realising what he had heard from her. She had known about his unfaithfulness all this time. He was really screwed, he knew he should have told her earlier.

"I wanted to tell you sooner, I swear." He defended. "It's just...I didn't know how to approach you."

The silence that stretched between them bothered him very much. He half expected her to pummel him to the ground, like how she pummeled her beloved brother half to death few weeks ago. The kettle wasn't at its usual place, they took it away for her 'supposed safety.' He was a bit glad about its absence, he feared that he'd end up like him.

"How long have you known?" He summoned up the courage to ask.

"A while." She replied softly, not moving an inch. Her surprisingly calm aura scared him. He thought she was going to have one of her horrible tantrums where she'll reach out and break anything breakable. But she was oddly still.

Baker couldn't tear his eyes off her, her features were beautiful yet intimidating. Memories came flooding back, painfully reminding him of the times they've spent together. He remembered the times where he'd hold her close and tell her how much he loved her with his soul, or the times he'd carry her and spin her around till he heard her loud laughter. Now he couldn't go near her without sadness or regret in his heart. He didn't know exactly what he regretted, ending up with her? Hell no, she was the best thing that has ever happened to him. Things were a bit good until she became too unstable, he knew her brother was responsible for her behaviour.

It wasn't easy keeping a stable relationship with a lady that had no connection with the outside world. Not that he didn't love her but things got complicated. With her absence he and Sonia became really close. One thing led to the other and he found himself on top of Sonia in her room, their intimacy began from there. They had planned on telling Alana but they seemed to dodge the opportunity whenever it came.

He missed that spark in his life, he needed that love and excitement. It was selfish of him to jump to her best friend but no one could blame him, Alana wasn't giving him the spark he needed, so he had to look somewhere else. Sonia wouldn't deny the fact that she was lonely and needed someone to fill her empty heart. They were both selfish. What made them worse was the lack of support they gave Alana. They gave up on her and moved on with their lives, or at least he thought he had moved on.

He stood up and walked towards her. Stopping right in front of her he studied her face. It looked exhausted, the former brightness was replaced with paleness. The dark shades under her eyes gave her a splitting image of the undead. In her right arm was a stuffed panda that he assumed to be the Stephanie her parents told him about.

Unconsciously, he reached out for her free hand and held it tenderly. He managed to push down the horrible feeling in his chest as he forced himself to look at when she finally turned her face to him, with a stoic look on her face. He didn't know why he was doing this, he knew it was wrong but he felt the need to be near her one more time, even if there was no spark.

Slowly, he cupped her cheek with his free hand.  He wanted to see Alana, he really wanted to see her one more time.

He leaned in and planted his lips softly against hers. It wasn't rough nor hungrily, it was a simple kiss. With that kiss he tried to tell her how sorry he was, how selfish and stupid he had been, especially giving up on her. Guilt tugged in his chest as he deepened the kiss, noticing that she didn't respond to it.

What was he thinking?

He pulled away and glanced at her face. Nothing had changed about her expression, it remained passive as always.

"What have I done?" He whispered in horror. Everything about Alana, every vibrant colour in her spirit has disappeared. He wasn't looking at Alana anymore, the Alana he knew was long gone.

"Does Sonia know you're here?" She asked flatly.

Baker found himself taking two steps away from her, letting her hand slip off from his. He told Sonia he had an outing with the guys. He lied to Sonia so he'd see Alana. God, he felt like a fool. He was a fool for believing that she'd still hold something for him, because clearly whatever feeling she had for him was gone, there was nothing left.

Sighing, he said, "I may be with Sonia, but that doesn't mean I won't help and support you in any way I can."

Alana stared blankly at him one more time before resuming to her sky gazing.

"I still love you," he muttered. "I always will."

With that, he began walking towards the door. Before opening it, he looked back at her one more time. "See you around, Alana."

Alana watched silently as she heard the door close. She used the back of her free hand to wipe off any remains of Baker from her lips, still gazing at the sky that has turned to midnight blue.

"You don't love him, do you." She heard her speak beside her. It was a simple statement, she guessed she knew the answer.

Staring down at Stephanie that looked up at her with those mysterious black button eyes, she sighed loudly with a smile that didn't seem to reach her eyes. "No."

She felt her cold hand on her bare shoulder. "Good."

They both watched patiently for a star to appear, oblivious to the world around them.