my struggles with mental health

How it all started

As I child I found it very tough , I was very introverted , barely talked and had extreme anxiety. I knew about things I shouldn't have at my age. My big sister was a trouble maker , running away , smoking weed and getting in trouble with the police, she made it awful for my mum who is a single parent to cope. My big sister has been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder along with various other mental health issues.

I found it very difficult to trust people, I felt that no one would understand or care , when I was young various incidents occurred including inappropriate sexual behaviour, it has affected me alot ever since; occasionally having flashbacks and seeing a figure, sometimes even being able to feel things touching me that aren't there.

My auntie has always been a big negative influence in my life , constantly putting me down , commenting on how I look. Saying I was an embarrassment to be around , she would make me feel so awful about myself, I'm trying to work past that.

A few years ago my nanny passed away , she was the most positive influence on my life; she was the one who got me interested in art , something I can't imagine life without. This pushed me into depression , I would self harm for attention as I felt like no one cared. I wanted someone to see my cry for help....

During year 8 and 9 I started acting out at school , swearing , getting sent out of class , being rude to teachers and just generally not caring , I got sent down to six form and that eventually helped me sort out my act.

Things have kind of spiralled out of control , but I'm coping. I have a working diagnosis of bipolar , I struggle with anger issues and anxiety. I have been put on sertraline which is an anti depressant and I'm gradually having mood stabalisers added to that.

For the past 6 months my self harm has got worse, I have used razor blades , compasses, sharpener blades, broken pens , scissors , knifes and more , I have scars all up my arms and the tops of my legs , luckily I don't dig deep so they aren't too bad.

I have tried strangulation before , I have never really fully wanted to die , I don't think I would ever actually attempt it. Beside my mental health I actually quite like my life. I have great friends and go to a really good school that helps me as much as I can.

I am determined to stop self harming because it has slowly started to ruin my life and education and my education is one of the most important things to me.

I hope this has maybe help comfort or help some people , I will be adding onto this at some point with who has helped me and some coping strategies I use 

-Thank you

-Brooke