a letter to kim jonghyun

day 19: half a heart without you.

so, yesterday, i received a news. it was such a bad news. i was on my way to go home and when i opened my phone, there was one notif from line oa that 'shinee jonghyun was dead'.

at first, i couldn't believe it. it was too sudden and too unreal to be true. i still thought positively that it was maybe his new mv or drama or he was someone different from the 'shinee jonghyun' i knew.

but it was a cruel joke.

i opened the news and shocked.

'no, it was a lie,' i said. and when i opened my twitter account, i found out that it was true.

i thought he was poisoned but he poisoned himself. he committed suicide.

it felt unreal, in fact, it still feels unreal.

i spent my middle-school time with him. because of him, i knew hangul. because of him, i made a friend.

i just ... couldn't believe that. it was like you took a half of me just like that.

he was my bias once. even he wasn't my bias anymore, i was sad. i'm sad. he wasn't my bias anymore but i was miserable. what if it was my bias? what if it was taeyeon? my motivator? my inspirator? my savior? what should i do? i try to smile every day because of her. i try to be always happy because of her. if she is sad, i'm also sad.

i don't want to imagine it but at the same time, it appears on my mind without me realizing it.

since yesterday, his song that always plays automatically if i click his deck on superstar smtown has been playing in my head without stopping. i can hear his voice. that distinct voice when he sings. his laugh, his expression, his face, everything. i can't watch any shinee related with a smile on my face anymore.

shinee is still five members, they didn't lose a member, they gained an angel.

i already said my goodbye, but with tears on my face. i'm sorry i couldn't let you go with a smile. i'm too sad to think that you weren't here anymore.

thanks for everything. thanks for your beautiful voice. thanks for your amazing songs. you will be always remembered, jonghyun.

kamu capek, 'kan? ya udah, gapapa. sekarang udah ga capek lagi. tidur yang nyenyak, sayang. sekarang kamu istirahat aja. you've worked hard. 수고했어 고생했어.

since it is cold, please dress warmly on your way to the heaven.

i love you.

rest in peace, kim jonghyun.

•••

p.s: it still can't progress this. even when other sm artists already attended his funeral, i still can't accept this ....