How To..

How to.. pack for a weekend you don't want to have.

Packing for a weekend at home is hard under any circumstances. What to add to the baggage, what to leave scattered on the floor, behind.

Accounting for all the possible weather outcomes and your mood. Also accounting for the reason that you are going home. Thinking about the reason you have to go home and almost changing your mind. So what do you pack for a weekend you don't want to have?

Pack your favorite shirt, a pair of jeans, two or maybe three. Pack something comfortable because you know you won't actually wear the jeans. Pack something that reminds you of him. It his birthday, you know the real reason why you're going home, pretend you don't. If you think about the reason you're really going home, you'll change your mind and not want to go.

You're just packing for the weekend, tell yourself that. Grab your favorite white t-shirt, fold it, and put it on the side. You'll think about him again, move past it, unfold and fold your shirt again to distract yourself. Remind yourself again, you're just going home for the weekend. You have a white shirt packed, you're getting somewhere now.

Think logically about how many jeans you will actually wear. You'll be home for two days, pack for three anyway. Because you know you're indecisive, you get that from him. You get a lot of things from him. You're thinking about him again, follow the drill, and grab another pair of jeans. Lay the four pair of jeans to the side, don't even bother folding them because you'll just want to unfold them again in about two minutes.

Decide what else you will need. Two pair of boots are acceptable for two days, right? Conclude that it is completely acceptable. Decide that you will also need tennis shoes, because you might go for a run this weekend, right? No you won't go for a run, that's not the reason you're going home. Think about the real reason you're going home. Pack the tennis shoes anyway, tell yourself you're going for a run and not the other thing.

Pack your leather jacket, both of them. Why pack both? Well because wearing a leather jacket makes you feel like a badass. Feeling like a badass is exactly what you need. Smile when you think about that you also got that from him.

Remember the time he let you ride your bike down the hill all by yourself, remember how free you felt. Remember thinking that you have the coolest dad in the world. Think back to all the moments you spent with him, all the moments you didn't. All the moments that you wish you would have spent with him. Think about anything else before you get upset.

Pick up your white t-shirt again. Unfold it and then fold it back again. Think about whether white is appropriate to wear. You wear black to a funeral do you wear black to a cemetery, too? Sigh in frustration. Think about the funeral. Make yourself stop thinking about the funeral. Grab your black t-shirt. Lay it beside your white, you can decide what to wear tomorrow.

Think of tomorrow as just a normal day. Just a normal Saturday at home. Scan the room for other things you might need. See his picture on the corner. Decide whether or not you should take it with you. Decide not to, there are pictures of him at home, but there are just pictures because he can't be home.

Continue to scan the room. See his hat, you should pick up the hat and put it in your bag just in case. Take it out of your bag so it doesn't get crushed. Look at the hat and remember a time when he wore it. Put the hat on because it makes you feel close to him. Think about your last conversation with him. Remember that he talked about football on that final phone call. Think about how much you hate football, smile when you think about the fact that you still watch his football team every week. Wish he was there to explain it and watch it with you. Wish he was there at all.

Move your mind back to packing. Walk to you dresser, pick up your contacts and solution. Pack them both. Think about him telling you how pretty you looked in your glasses. Unpack your contacts, only take your glasses. Glance at you makeup and straightener. Decide against both of them because he wouldn't have wanted you to do any of that. Remember him saying "Inner beauty, don't forget that."

Let the phrase about natural beauty stop you in your tracks. Wondering how he ended up with her when inner beauty was so important to him. Remember her and try to not let that upset you. Rub your dad's hat for comfort. Remember how much you didn't like her. Think about how much she changed the dad that you had always loved. Try to remember that dad. You remember his funeral, well part of it. The part that she ruined by nodding off in her coma from whatever drug she was currently on.

Get angry. Take off his hat and throw it. Pick it up a second later. Try not to disappoint him. Think about the first time he disappointed you. Remember walking in the room and seeing him with a needle in his arm. Thinking, he's not a doctor, why is he giving himself a shot? Remember going home and telling your mom and not being able to see him anymore. Years down the line realize why you couldn't see him.

Feel bad for ever blaming your mom. Think about how lucky you are to have a mom like her. Pick up the scarf your mom bought you, she loves when you wear it. Realize she has bought you more than one scarf. Try to decide which scarf is your favorite, take all four just to be safe.

Remember your mom always trying to keep you safe. Think about a time when she tried to keep you safe. Hear her voice saying no when you ask to finally ride your bike down the hill by yourself. Remember you dad saying yes. Think about getting almost to the bottom and wreaking into the gravel. Remember her saying "I told you so" on the way to the hospital.

Think about visiting him in the hospital. Think about his cold hands and sunken in face. Holding his cold hands while he's just there, looking so weak. Remember him wearing his grey flannel shirt. You only remember this because you remember him taking it off to show you the scar on his chest. Think about his first open heart surgery, his second. Think about what got him there. Walk to the closet and grab his grey flannel shirt.

Make order of the thoughts in your mind as your making order of the mess on your bed. Wonder why you don't hate him as you're packing up your pointless jeans. Try to figure out why you're putting so much effort into not disappointing him. Think about why insignificant things become so significant. Like what to wear or his temporary high. Walking out the door as you say "Happy Birthday" to nothing particular at all. Finally close the door. Close it to it all.