Connections | ✔️

Forty one

Valerie P.O.V.

Seeing him was hard. I had ignored his calls. But the text sounded important, so I quickly just got it over and done with.

I still hadn't figured out whether he lied to me and I was being fooled again, or if it was just me being stupid. Either way, I was anxious as hell. Someone was constantly twisting a fork into my gut, twirling it around like spaghetti. Argh! I hated this. I HATE this feeling. This is why I didn't want to love someone again! The tears spilled from my eyes as I lay there frustrated.

The worst part was, that I wanted to believe in him. But really, it was me. I didn't want to get upset every time a new rumour popped up, or every time a hate message popped up. I didn't want to revert back to that crazy time of my life and become monstrous. I didn't want to do anything to hurt him. I loved him. But how could I be with him? When I'm like this?

"Val?" a soft voice came through the door as it slowly creaked open.

My heartbeat picked up for a minute thinking it might be Carter coming back. ARGHHH! Why am I thinking this? I told him I wanted to be alone. Why would he come back? Disappointment flooded me, it couldn't be him. The voice was feminine, and very much different to the one I've come to know. I don't even understand my own damn feelings.

"Are you okay?" Ellana continued, approaching the bed slowly. "I heard you crying."

I hugged the pillow even closer to my chest. Why am I so damaged?

"Is it Carter?" she whispered softly coming to sit by the edge, placing one hand on my arm for comfort. I nodded slowly through my hazy vision. "What happened?" she probed gently.

I turned over to face my best friend.

I guess I needed to talk to someone, remembering Dr. Kavanaugh's advice. I bottled things up too much, I had to communicate more often. So with that, I took a deep breath before trying to explain everything from start to finish. All the negative comments from social media, my DM's, my run-in with Lacey Drew and that whole situation with Carter.

"What a bitch!" Ell cursed angrily. "God, I don't know what to say Val. I personally would not believe a word coming out of her mouth judging just by the way she was acting, but you really need to talk to Carter about it I think."

I listened quietly as I laid in bed. "I know... but it turns out horrible either way. If she was telling the truth, that means he lied to me. That means everything we had was a lie. And if she was lying, that means I'm totally incapable of handling everything that comes along with Carter's life. I'm already in this kind of chaotic state after one confrontation... I can't imagine what else is in store. We can't be together, I don't want to spiral with him... I don't know if I can handle it."

She looked down at me sympathetically. "Either way, I'll be here for you okay? And just for the record, you are not in any way broken. I understand what you're going through right now. It's hard with social media. You kind of learn to ignore those comments as if they're white noise. As well as all the basic hoes out here." Ellana rolled her eyes and chuckled. I cracked a small smile at the joke. "White noise Val. Rise above it." She pat me on the back encouragingly. "You also have to remember that Carter is a different kind of guy. He's a man. I don't believe that this relationship could be bad for you. Yes, there is an added pressure from the outside. But between the two of you? No. You work with each other so well. Don't lose that without talking to him first okay?"

I nodded in understanding. "Thanks," I whispered.

"You're welcome. I'm gonna order pizza and we can watch movies alright? Give your mind a break for now and we can sort it out another day."