Personal Soldier (Nathan Sykes Fanfic)

Personal Soldier (Nathan Sykes Fanfic) - Ch.24 (Epilogue)

*NATHANS POV*

The leaves on the ground crunched as I trudged up the dirt path towards the top of the hill. The sun was setting, which left a golden glow on everything around me. I found myself having to pull my leather jacket tighter around me, even though it was April, in England right now it was like the middle of October. I could see the large oak tree up ahead, it's leaves shining a bright green as light hit them. As soon as I reached the foot of it, I let out a deep breath and sat down cross-legged on the slightly dampened grass. I reached out and placed the 12 roses I had in my right hand on the ground before me. I sighed “Heya, Kit-Kat” I smiled weakly, looking up to the engraved stone before me which read;

''Katrina Dawson, died age 20, a loyal friend, cherished daughter and beloved girlfriend, she will forever be missed. May she rest in peace''

“I don't think I even need to ask if you remember what today is... you always told me you had a great memory. It's been a whole year since I met you-” I smiled as I remembered that day, the day I was taken to the agency. I was absolutely broken and felt like I just wanted to give up, on everything. I had hidden my feelings well from the boys who'd brought me there. I was good at putting up the 'happy' façade. I remember walking into that office, going to meet my 'Protector' I was told. When I saw Kat .... you could say I was surprised, I definitely wasn't expecting that. Firstly because she was female, and also ... she was beautiful. But she hated me, I could see that from the minute I started talking ... So I thought, hey .... why not have a little fun?... I smiled again at the memory of it. “Of course you'll have remembered ... I was a right asshole to you-” I chuckled. “But maybe it helped our relationship, in the end ... maybe-” I smiled cheekily. “-maybe it was endearing..... Cause guess what? You fell in love with me anyway...” I did an air grab of victory and started laughing lightly at myself.

It's strange I guess... It never really felt like she was gone all the time, especially when I visited her grave... yeah, that probably should make everything more real but... it didn't. I felt like she was still there, just out there somewhere in the world.... but I was just crazy right? Even so .... It was easy to talk, to laugh, whenever I was here, I felt close to her. People tried to tell me to stop coming here so much, that it was time to start moving on with my life... but I couldn't. I used to go every single day, no matter the weather, no matter what I had on that day, I just sat here talking to her. Now I have cut back and only visit once a week or so... It's not what I want, but I know it's what she'd want. I clearly remember that conversation we had last year, in that hotel, when she told me that it never stopped hurting when you lost someone. But I know she also said that life has to go on .... and honestly, I am trying .... but it's hard to let go.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, my chin resting on top. I let the tears that threatened to spill over, have their freedom and stream down my face. I always felt weak when I cried so much, and I know Kat always hated seeing me like this... but I slipped sometimes and just let my emotions go. “I miss you Kit-Kat” I breathed out. “You were the first person I've ever truely loved..... the only person I'll ever love.... It could sound stupid, maybe, to say that .... but.... I don't want to- .... no... I can't, think of having someone that meant as much to me as you did, in my life.” I closed my eyes and put my head down so it was buried in my sleeves. “I need you....” I muttered out. I started to shake slightly as I sobbed. I was like this, a complete mess, for about 15 minutes as I tried to just stop thinking.... and stop crying.

I let out a deep breath and then chuckled. “Ahh, look at me Kat... I'm in a right state huh?” I shook my head and started to fabric of my jeans, before looking back to the grave. “The boys say I could be out on the field within the next 6 or 7 months you know.... I can't believe I'm so close to finishing my training... I see why this job meant so much to you. It's basically my whole life now..... You'll always be the better Protector though-” I smiled “-Best in the business.... Even when you're gone-” My voice trailed off into a whisper.

After Katrina died, I went into a state of depression, I wouldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I didn't know what to do with myself.... So Jay suggested I find something to get my frustration out, before I ended up killing myself. I needed something to focus my energy on. He got me to talk to the agencies trainer, who prepared the newbies..... and I guess he saw some potential. I do love it. I feel like Kat's a part of me even more while I'm there and honestly I love the reminders of her. “Don't worry Kit-Kat... I'll do you proud, yeah?” It's kinda funny ..... I guess.... I'm in the same position Kat was in all those years ago when her father died but I can see so much clearer now, why the job meant so much to her. Maybe it was the distraction, yeah... maybe. But just the thought that you are actually doing something with your life, you're saving people, and I... know Kat's happy knowing I'm not wasting time away....

I looked up at the now blackened sky, the moon projecting light onto me from where it hung amongst the stars. I wrapped my jacket even closer to my body as a cold breeze whisped past me. “The stars remind me of you y'know....” I scooched closer to the oak tree and leant my back against the trunk, which shielded me from the cold air. “-Your eyes... they'd always like.... sparkle..” I scrunched my nose up and looked quickly back to the ground, shaking my head. “Oh lord.... I'm so ... soppy.” I laughed slightly. “ I imagine you'd be hitting me or telling me to shut up right now, if you'd have heard that....” I sat in silence for a couple of minutes, the only thing to be heard was some cars, far in the distance and somewhere amidst the trees in front of the graveyard was a lone owl, hooting. I could just sit here forever, but I'd probably die of hypothermia or something..... not to mention it would be extremely to be sat alone in a cemetery at night.

“I suppose ... maybe ... It's time I got on, eh, Kat?” I mumbled, looking at my hands. I sighed and finally stood up, slowly, after much procrastination. “I-... hmm..” Why's it always so hard to walk away? “I'll be seeing you next week, yeah?” ... I turned slightly, closing my eyes, hoping that I could so this at least once without the tears. I looked back again, focusing on the roses which lay on the ground, “Happy Anniversary babe, .... I love you.” I blew a kiss towards the grave, then one towards the sky, as though it would drift to her, wherever she may be... I nodded slightly to myself and turned away fully, shuffling back down along the dirt path, leading to the front gate. Once I'd reached the black iron bars I looked back towards the hill, like always. I remember once, a few days after she was buried, I remember seeing someone duck behind the oak tree .... well so I thought, my mind liked to trick me I guess, It just wanted me to see her.... I sighed and made my way towards my car, sitting into the drivers seat and speeding away back home.....

* * * * * *

I jumped from the top branches of the oak tree, landing on the slightly soft, dampened grass. My knees didn't even buckle, leading me to a fall. I remember the first time I had chosen there to hide I fell when I jumped. It was an idiotic move, I was most certainly spotted before I ducked back around the tree, but he was still nursing fresh wounds and he'd believe it to be a trick of the mind. I sighed and sat on the cold ground. No one knows how hard it is to be so close to someone they love and not even be able to do anything about it. I have listened to his heart break, over and over, every night, as he spoke to an empty grave. Well I guess it wasn't in vain I could hear him after all. So many times I've wanted to just .... stop hiding, to hug him, kiss him, to love him again. I needed him to know I was fine, and I was alive ... but I guess being in hiding kinda stops me from doing that. Hmm.... There's no way I'm allowed to even do this all the time, I could give my cover up so easily, all that was needed was or me to make a tiny sound or for him to take a closer look around but.... I don't think I could carry on, not without seeing him. Plus, it made me happy, knowing his life was getting better... I mean he's with the agency now... I dread to think of the day I am forgotton but-.... It will come, eventually.... no matter what he says. I made the choice to leave him and go into hiding, I made the choice to pretend I was dead and buried, and I made the choice .... to keep him safe in the process.

There are bad people in this world. Those who will stop at nothing, just to get what they want. And when I'm what their after, I don't need others mixed into it. I've always been like that though, maybe I'm just stubborn and refuse the help but.... I'd rather be dead on my accord, then be the cause of another's life, put to an end. Maybe someday I can come back to the world as myself, and not hide away under lock and key, with a identity that's not my own. Maybe someday I can come back as Katrina Dawson.

THE END