To you, never did I think I would be writing a letter to you...But then again, a lot of things are new recently.
I have no recollection for what's going on in your heart, nor your head.
I only know what you tell me... ignorant to the rest of your life.
I want you to...try to fathom my emotions.
I know you have no means to hurt me, but it seems like that is the norm now. My heart is on lock down right now... I cried too many tears and screamed too many words last night. My heart does however, still cry out for you, it has for a while... I have just wanted to be closer with you for more years then I can remember.
My heart... Max, you hold it in your very hands!
Your next move will either be to drop it like glass, as fragile as it is...Or to mend the wounds and keep it.
You told me at the game that ¨if it was anyone else, I wouldn't care¨
Does that still apply?
You mean the absolute world to me, in this past month I have enjoyed every second I have spent with you. I am really sorry I am mean sometimes...okay, a lot. But these emotions are new. I have never cared this much about a person, but that is not your issue. I fell too hard and too fast for you. I figured you would want to date me for as long as possible, if you recall those words. I understand you love me, but I am afraid it is not the way I love you.
With the whole Emma situation... Max what...what does she have that I do not?
Is it really because I am too ugly or fat or too tall or have too many stretch marks...
I know you do not want to hurt me, but the only way to fix that would be to stay with me, to enjoy us... Max, I really want you to be happy, I do. After the shit you have been through I could never ask for you to torture yourself by being with me, if you love someone else. Did you just lose the light in your eyes? Do you not see me the same. I promise I will be there for you as a friend but God knows that will hurt beyond compare.
All the things I have thought of.. the nights when I held your hand and felt like the earth paused. You give me a safe heaven, but I guess that was too much of a burden. Until you decide what you want to do...My heart is shutting down.
I cant bring myself to cry in front of you, I refuse too. You have enough pain to deal with... I am scared, Max. I want you to chose me so bad! I have been praying for who knows how long, for this to work out. Maybe God is challenging our strength, maybe the devil is trying to defer you against the right path...Whatever that will be.
Anytime I hear your name my heart aches, for a longing of you, for you to figure out what you need. I wish I could just fast forward! I couldn't stop screaming and crying last night...Kneeling, praying for God to take over.
Homecoming, there was a time when you loved me so much, there was a time when you saw me as your girlfriend. I WANT THOSE MOMENTS BACK! Please for the life of me. I want to have your arms around me and not worry about anything else.
Every time you went over to Emma's, I had a feeling and thought nothing of it, except she needed a friend. I was wrong, somehow you developed an attachment to her that I will not separate. That is something you will have to do... I hate that you're hurting baby, I want to be there for you but my heart just... It hurts so damn much!
Im aching, I cant eat and I barley sleep. Baby please I hope you chose me, I promised I would never make you chose between two people but it is not my doing. I tried to look cute today, In hope It would bring back some feeling of being proud that I am yours. But i'm scared, I do not want to lose you... But the thought of not calling you mine hurts too much to further the ides. I am at a dilemma myself... I want you to be happy, so so much but I want you for myself... I know I'm needy and want to spend so much time with you but come on! I was jealous of Emma because I wanted you in my arms rather than at her house. Why cant you just like/ love me... Come on! I turned your eyes back to me at the game, I want to do it again but I have no idea how. I want you to be mine... what makes you see me as your sister? Are'nt we friends within a dating relationship.
I really hope you stay with me... It would hurt to much for you to go... Maybe this is karma for what I have done in my past. There are things I have not told you, I am honestly glad I have not because they are moments I wish to forget. And it would only make things worse now.
I feel like I have no concept of time now... Everything is honestly just a hays. It really hurts, seeing you in pain I want to deal with this but I cant until you decide. I wish there was something I could do, to truly win your heart, that I once had...
I love you Max but I am tired if hurting, ill wait as long you need but please the longer you wait the further my heart separates. Honestly what does Emma have that I lack? I don't know how to react... I just want to curl into a ball and rock back and forth, listening to music. I really hope this is a phase. I have been praying and I will continue to. Right now that all that I know to do... Please choose me oh gosh. LOVE ME!
All my emotions are on a page,I just documented my heart. I feel so numb and empty now...
I know you only see me as a family member, but that only happened when you started getting distant? You were ignoring me and hanging out with Emma... Of course your going to start liking her, she was taking my place for a good while. Max, I loved being your girlfriend but I want it to continue, its like you gave up too easy. When you date someone you become family. When we hung out...You were texting Emma or having to call her. Max you were so wrapped up in someone else's life rather than being with your girlfriend! I wish you could have gave it another go. You hurt me. I know I promised I would be your friend but that will take time, my callused heart has put walls up, around in defense. I accept and realize you didn't want to date me anymore, but the reality is you did not stick it through. You worried so much about what your family said, if it bothered you about them saying you were dating two girls...Why did not you stay with me? To fix the solution.
You do not love me anymore, that's the reality I face. You could have overcome a crush on Emma if you really were in love with me. I have been there for you through thick and thin, whether you needed me to be or not. You could have tried harder. You hurt me worse by giving up, and by not choosing me. I tried to prepare myself but I did not have such luck. You have apologized several times...But Isn't it actions? Would you really hurt your 'sister' like you did. I have fault in this as well...Plenty, do not get me wrong...I could have held your hand more or maybe stopped being so mean. It hurts because you chose another girl, a crush over someone whom I thought you loved.
Take a moment to try to understand my next point
You started seeing me as a sister when you distanced yourself from me.
The less time spent with me, you focused on Emma.
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I wish with all my might that you would want me back, but I have no power over how you feel. You're closing that chapter, blowing out the candle that is still burning. Romance is a two way street I can never force you to do anything, even if I could I wouldn't. What you did was your will, but It may be a while for me to come around, I need to get over my selfish pain before I try to help or even look you in the eye. I know you're over this situation too...That's what hurts the most. I have screamed, I have cried and I have begged for God to give me peace. I cant change your mind, I cant persuade you to take me back and I am not going to beg like I wish I could. This is your choice, as same as the last one... I just really hope you know what you have lost. A girl who was never that pretty or smart, but I did have love for you, a heart that cried for only you.
Its up to opinion if you have lost something valuable. It is up to you entirely, but I figured I would at least share my perception. I apologise for making you read this...I realize you could care less but I wanted my last thoughts out there.
