Will you remember ?

Intro

It's the first time I don't wanna get drunk after a break up.
I guess , I'm mature enough to know , that who wants to leave , can leave .
It's my confidence , even though I'm not confident .
It's complicated . It's me giving you up and me wanting you back .
Is me not knowing what I want .
Im the one giving it everything and not even getting the half .
I said , it's complicated.
I've been fighting against myself , against my thoughts and my feelings ...
against everything that makes you sad or stresses you.
Just to make this work .
I can feel myself giving up , something I never wanted to happen.
It's hurting and it's not hurting .
It's complicated . It's fucked up .
I fought against my and your stress .
I fought against everything that was standing our way.
You know what ?
I think for people that love the most , will be easier to get away .
Yeah , it's funny but it's true .
At least , for me .
I feel coldness . After everything I've done , not being appreciated.
I will tell my story . I will .
And I don't know if I'll get hurt through this and I don't really care .
I need to tell somebody everything that happened .
I need to tell them how much a person can love and how stupid the other can be.
Sorry for that . You deserve it .
I won't tell them everything you did to me, but  if I tell them ... I will design the shit you've done . Just to not let you feel as stupid as you are .
And I know you'll be reading this. Just because you're far away , doesn't mean you want to stay that far .
It's too late to stay beside me .
I feel so enough .
They said to me , I can't write a book like this and even if I do , nobody would read it .
I don't want to write something they wanna hear .
I want to write the truth . To tell the truth .
I said , I need to write my story down , write my feelings in a paper , my thoughts everything . I can't make this story beautiful , even if I want to . You fucked up everytime it was beautiful , anyway .
Love ? For you I had more than enough . I guess , I never even loved my parents like that .
Just because I'm talking like this , doesn't mean it wasn't beautiful .
It was everything to me . I saw you and felt you and never knew you weren't the one I always thought you were.
I was holding you , holding the world .
I used to always kiss the cheek under your eyes .
Always held you close so you won't let go .
Always kissed your eyes and your soul from the outside . It felt like that .
And now that I'm talking about this , I miss you.
I don't really know if I'm ready to write everything that happened , cause every word will hurt . I will be remembering all the time and it always hurts .
Maybe it's growing up .
You were the center of my world .
You was my direction .
When you left , I was all alone.
I swear to my life , when you left , I was going home , my mind was blocked .
My legs were shaking.
My hands were cold I couldn't even wipe my tears away .
I let them freeze .
Fuck whatever it was . I was breathing through you.
And you are my only inspiration . I would never make it to say these words without you .
I just imagine how I was feeling and write these feelings down.
You taught me everything. Every step , everything what love does.
You taught me pain , taught me patience , taught me everything about relationship .
You said I can .. why can't I now ?
Why didn't I make it ?
We are so far . Its true , I want it like this .
Sometimes I don't . But it's better like this .
Touching you and knowing this is everything .
I couldn't imagine you with someone else .
I could never ever imagine you with someone else . And this story won't tell you why everything happened , cause I still don't know why . This story won't tell you if he loved me or not , I still doubt it .
Even imagination was hurting .
I wanted you to myself and never wanted you far away and never with someone else and never wanted to see you not being fine .
And never ever wanted you to betray me .
Never wanted to know you putting your hands on someone else .
Looking at someone else like that .
That's what's not letting me stay .
If you could do that to me , why should I do this to myself .
It's hard fighting against yourself .
It's hard doing what you don't want to.
Sometimes we must.

My parents never knew me like that .
I was the women fighting for my career .
Crazy how it changed at that time.
I even forgot that I'm breathing . Forget my career .
I forgot what I am.
It's ok . You taught me indirectly how to let go .
I'm ok with that.
It's good .
You even taught me indirectly how to believe in me , how to believe in god .
After breaking up , I was busy learning how to live cause I have forgotten it .
I started talking to god. Reading psychology .
Talking to myself .
Talking to you never missed . I always told you how I feel and what you've done to me .
You never listened . You never even looked at me and said I will do it right .
You weren't there . After and before our break up .
I actually have so much to say . I don't know if a book is enough .
I always used to write down everything that happened between us . I don't have to copy paste it . I will never forget this story .
I can always write it down and it will become uglier everytime and more .
Oh yeah , you made it ugly.
Whatever it is , whatever it was , I will go through this.
This is making me so strong , I can feel it .
Im keeping my head up , I taught respect .
I taught from you how to love but not how to get loved back .
I sometimes love you , sometimes hate you .
I hate you when I remember what you did to me .
I was dead inside but I did it for the love .
Use everything against me .
You were the problem , I was apologizing .
I don't wanna hope , don't want to believe you and listen to you promising and see nothing coming .
Enough is enough .
I told you , you will never lose me .
Cause I will forever love you .
And it's true . I will forever love you .
But love ain't over everything . Love just acts like it's everything .
You understood me, cause I was the player and you the game ruler .
I never understood you and acted like I do .
Cause I loved you that's why I never even told you what's missing .
I felt like nothing is missing , you were here that was enough .
That was wrong . I couldn't even talk to you .
Couldn't tell you what's hurting and couldn't ask you why you doing all these things .
I just let it flow inside . Let it happen . Either I agree or go . It happened .
So , everything should happen , cause anything could .
I slowly started to not forgive you anymore .
I started thinking .
If I couldn't talk to you about myself , who am I gonna talk to?
It was myself. Without knowing that being close to myself as close as I really am , is the best help and thing you could ever get .
I started thinking about your mistakes.
Would I do that to him ?
Would I hurt him like that ?
Would I let him down?
Why does he ?
Why is he doing this ? How can he ?
Ah , alright.  There's something I should understand .
And I always disagreed . I knew it , but I never wanted to say or think about it.
I knew you never loved me and I never told this myself .
Better saying , I was never honest to myself . I was never true to self.
Don't ask me what I am today .
That's another level .
Ask me how I got here ?
Let me tell you ...
To be continued =====>