They hadn't talked in weeks- no. Months. It had been at least three months since the last time they'd actually had a full conversation. Give or take a month at that.
The last time they'd spoken was over a fight he'd picked with her now fiancée. Over what? She would never know. She could only recall the two boys at each other's throats and having to separate the two. She felt like he'd been cutting her out of his life all over again. Of course she shared that with her fiancée, she told him everything. How could she not tell him about how everything hurt so much with her best friend leaving her yet again.
It hurt most the first time, but she was twelve. She was young then. They'd gone their separate ways for a while and that was fine. She learned her lesson. Friends, they could be friends. As the time went on, she let him back in.
In such a bustling palace, she always felt like she was drowning. There were hundreds of people there, hundreds of rooms, hundreds of things to do, and she couldn't find where she belonged. Then he stepped back in. He gave her an answer. By his side, she belonged by his side, but accepting that as her answer required her to fall again. She wasn't willing to do that. There was no guarantee he would be there to catch her, but she knew she couldn't catch herself.
Yet she turned a blind eye as she let him tear down each wall again. Every barrier she had taken years to build up, he demolished them in months. She could feel herself slipping, and she didn't like it one bit. With her head in the clouds, she had no clue how close she actually was to the ground.
That night, that one night, she was almost fully convinced he would actually be there for her. She could trust him to catch her before she hit the ground. In a moment she was so weak, he held her up. He promised her family. That is what he is she would think. He's family.
She was terrified that night. She'd felt so alone in that room. Bright dresses, flashing cameras, fanning skirts, twirling girls, snickers, gossip, whispering, guffawing, drunken dancing, feigned smiles. In such a large room with so many roles to be played, so many places to be, she couldn't find hers.
But his presence, that was strongest that night. The way he would lead her around the room, help her catch her breath in such a crowded room, help her focus on him rather than the million sets of eyes in the room. The way he asked her to dance, her hand fit perfectly in his, his hand would rest on her waist. The way he would guide her, make her feel like she was the only person in the room. She could still hear him laughing at her as she leaned against him more and more, her face nuzzled into the crook of his neck as their dance deflated into more of a sway.
"Tired?" He asked her with a chuckle. The biggest, laziest smile had spread across her lips. "No" she'd told him, lied to him. But she knew he'd know better. It was the laugh that came next that made her heart flutter. Even though she couldn't see his face, she could picture the sparkle in his eye, the way his dimples would show through his smile.
"You had a long day, Gabby. Let me bring you to your room" He'd told her softly, coming to a complete stop and just holding the girl against him. She wasn't sure if she was joking or if her thoughts were escaping her lips being half asleep and all, but she found herself murmuring to him "Now don't go sweeping me off my feet".
"I won't, I promise" he'd told her.
And he'd lied. That one last wall, she asked him to leave that one last one. She could survive with that, after all that had happened she could have survived had he left that one last wall regardless of how tattered it may have been. In that moment, even that one had been torn down.
Now here she was again. Cut out of his life. This wasn't the first time. She was nothing more than a damned fool for allowing it to happen again. Young and foolish was hardly an acceptable excuse for her, but now that she was older and aware? She's become stupid. She let herself be blinded. She knew this was coming yet she allowed him back in just to tear her apart again.
That look in his eyes after that fight was so vivid to her. It was as if she'd kicked him when he was down, like she was his last hope and she'd let him down. This was not her fault. She wouldn't let herself think that.
Her fiancée had been out for about three or four days with her father when he asked to meet her. Her wedding was a little over a week away. She could have told him no. She had every right to. But she let him knock down that wall yet again. She gave him that trust yet again. Did he ever lose that trust in the first place? How could she allow herself to blindly trust him when all he'd done was hurt her time and time again? When he willingly turned a blind eye and let that wretch harm her and everything important to her?
She couldn't tell him no. Not with how broken he looked. It felt like she had finally gotten a glance behind the mask he'd been wearing for a little less than two years now, it was almost the exact same glance he'd given her in the garden after she told him to leave her be. To let her have her room to grow.
They'd always met here, even as little kids. This was where they planned their pranks, they played their childish little games, they made maps of the hidden halls. This was where he would sneak in and bring her cookies when she was sick, where they would meet if they just needed time away from their family, where they'd just sit and talk. Though it hadn't been used in years, at the age of 17 she found herself using it again. Until things went downhill a second time. Now here she was less than two years later falling for the same thing.
As far as she was concerned, he was finally done with her. He finally deemed her broken enough, nothing more than a play thing he'd worn out and wanted nothing to do with. He had a newer, better toy. Far more plastic. She went by the name of Melanie. Maybe this would be his apology. Maybe this was a truce to whatever silent war they'd been waging. Maybe he wanted his family ring back now that she had Kaden's ring on her finger. She'd never admit to anyone that she still wore it on a chain around her neck. What would she do if he took it back? If he decided she in fact was no longer family? Though she hated that thought, she had to brace for the worst.
After sitting around her old room for a few minutes, their knock cut through the silence. Gabby was rather taken aback by the fact he still knew it, that he held on to that memory, that he'd take the time and effort to remember the pattern.
At her cue, she rose to her feet and slipped into the hidden hallway near her room. He had a candle, but that hardly lit the darkened, cold, stone hallway. She could barely make out the outline of his face, but she knew it was James nonetheless.
Gabby stood in front of him, twirling her engagement ring worriedly around her finger. She was always fidgeting when nervous, that had never changed. James stood in front of her, finding his own words failing. The two stood there in silence for a moment, trying to process the fact it was them. Just them with nothing else in between but the walls they'd built between them.
"What's wrong?" She finally asked, breathing out the question in a whisper. She couldn't stand the wait any longer.
"It's all fake" were the first words that came out of his mouth. That was when Gabby could really see the tired, worry look in his features. She could have sworn he'd finally let down whatever facade he'd had to maintain. "Every hug, every kiss, every hand hold and 'I love you'. Every dance, every smile, every laugh. It was fake, Gabby. Everything with Melanie is fake" he rambled a bit, the words lifting a weight off of his chest.
But that didn't make any sense to her, not even in the slightest. A small chuckle fell off of her lips as she took a small step back, shaking her head as she said "What on earth are you talking about, James?", not seeming to understand what he had to say.
"She had confidential information and this was the easiest way to get it out of her. Someone had to get close" James told her exasperatedly, his eyes begging her to understand yet he hadn't even began to explain.
She told him to start over, start from the beginning. Things finally began to make sense and fall into place. Whether she liked it or not was a completely different story. He told her every lie he'd told her, every time he turned a blind eye, why he would even do such a thing. And she listened. She listened to him lifting all of the guilt off of his chest. She listened to him tell her every single wrong he'd done.
She couldn't piece her thoughts together quick enough to respond when he'd stopped speaking. With glossed over eyes and shaking hands, she just chuckled and shook her head. It was record time. Minutes. It only took him minutes to destroy the walls she's spent over a year building.
Though she still felt out of place, she felt like something was wrong, she forced herself into a place she wanted to belong. Kaden loved her, she wanted that more than anything. Kaden would never hurt her. She knew that for a fact. Kaden would put her above himself every single time. And James? James had put his country before her.
"No, James" she said finally, the two words taking away her breath. How could he do something like this? She hardly knew what he expected from her. Did he want to just pick things back up where he'd left them? Didn't he realize how late he was? "No" she told him as a small sob threatened to fall off of her lips, everything seeming to click for her.
"I had to tell you something. Before you tied the knot, before you made things official. I wanted to apologize for what I've done. For the mess I've made" He'd said but it still took a few extra seconds for everything to sink in.
"No, James" she said again as she let her eyes fall shut. He hadn't asked for permission, but with her walls down like this. She couldn't let him get that close. She shook her head and closed her eyes tight, refusing to believe this was real. That this at all truly how he felt. "You can't" she said, looking back up to him finally. She wouldn't cry in front of him. She wouldn't let herself look that weak. Not again.
"You can't waltz in here and knock everything down again. Not when I feel this out of sorts and not when you've treated me like such shit, Henry James." She said, trying her best to sound confident but even she could hear the quiver in her own voice.
"I'm not asking you to leave everything, Gabby. You're finally happy. I see that. You deserve someone who looks at you like that. Who smiles every time he sees you. A man that selfless" He'd told her quietly, restraining himself from reaching out to her in that moment. From holding her, from wiping away the one tear that trailed down her cheek.
"You don't understand" she had laughed, finding it all ironic. How could the one person who could ever manage to ground her come traipsing back when she felt so out of place? "I don't. I-" she'd started but took a moment to decide which words she should use.
"He loves me in a way I could never reciprocate" she told him with a shake of her head, sniffling a bit as she blinked back tears. She could have sworn she'd seen his own.
"Gabby. What are you-" James had started but she cut him off and didn't allow him to finish
"I can't give him a heart that's had someone else's name on it all along" she told him. "Not when his has my name written on every single inch" she shook her head as her eyes welled up with tears.
She could see the shock on his face. For someone so smart, he was such an idiot. How didn't he know? How couldn't he have read the signs? "You can't. You have to, Gabby" He'd said. She knew she couldn't break off the engagement. She couldn't do that to Kaden.
"Why now?" She asked him suddenly. If he'd felt this way all along, why wait this long to tell her?
There was a pause. As if reality had just hit him. "She's pregnant" he said quietly, the words barely a whisper.
This was where they'd always be. Between a rock and a hard place, where they shouldn't be. Being pulled in opposite directions. Forever running around each other, getting so close to each other before being dragged away.
Her hand slid into his before his arms came around her, simply holding her in that moment. No words were spoken as the two silently cried, holding on to one another. Trying to squeeze each other's broken pieces back together. But how could they fix something when they both knew the other held the pieces they needed to truly fix everything?
When she pulled away her hands were shaking. Perhaps this would be an awful decision. Maybe this would be something she'd regret later. But she needed this, and she knew he did too. One night was all they needed. All they could allow themselves. When morning came, when the sun would rise, all of this would be over.
She caught her breath and looked up to him, her hand gently resting against his cheek. She could feel him leaning into her touch, wanting to know she was there. "Just for tonight, just us. Nothing else in between. Please, James" She asked in a whisper, afraid to speak louder. Afraid to break such a delicate moment.
He was shaking his head, wanting to say no. He couldn't take that from her. He couldn't give her something so big yet so small just to rip it away again.
"Please, James" she's sobbed out quietly, her frame shaking a bit. He would do anything she asked. That look in her eyes, how broken and fragile she looked. How beautiful she looked despite her being broken. How he could feel his need for her, how he needed her more than anything else. Anyone else.
He could see her hands shaking as she slipped off the engagement ring off of her finger, his breath hitching as he watched. "Just for tonight" she said. "You and me, nothing else in between" she said again.
He looked down to the ring in her hand, looking down to where his family crest should have been on his own hand. She carefully slipped the ring into his hand, letting him lead her. Letting him decide.
She watched his fingers curl around the small piece of metal as her hands returned to the side of his face, cupping his cheeks. His hands fell to her waist as he held her like so many nights ago, his breath hitching as he realized the importance of this all. Gabby knew what she was getting into, but she pushed the thought aside. Nothing in between.
Her lips lightly brushed against his, the kiss small and slow as if she were figuring it out for the first time. Trying to figure out how James was so much different than Kaden. This was so much more, more meaningful, more overwhelming. She felt herself getting lost in him as she pressed against him, him picking her up off the ground and pressing her gently against the cold wall. Closer, ever closer. Nothing else in between.
She broke the deepened kiss only to catch her breath, her fingers fumbling eight he buttons on his shirt as he started pulling down the zipper to the back of her dress. "Your room?" She heard him whisper, the two words sending a shiver down her spine.
He'd carried her over, they pushed their limits. Broke their limits. They were past the point of stopping, of putting everything behind them. Nothing else between, skin against skin. Her against him.
She later laid in his side, tangled up in him. Lost in him. She nuzzled her face in the crook of his neck as he traces small shapes and patterns against her skin as of he were trying to memorize every inch of it. "Tired?" He asked with a small chuckle.
She wanted to make the most of their night. She wanted everything she could get out of it. "No" she murmured, she lied. But she knew he'd know better.
"Get some sleep, Gabby. You'll need it for the morning" he said softly and kissed her temple gently. She didn't want to think about the morning. In the morning, this would need to be forgotten. Every stolen kiss, every whispered word, every touch.
"I love you, James" she whispered quietly, finally falling into him. Letting him catch her.
"I love you too, Gabby" he murmured back as he felt her drift off to sleep in his arms.
