in the life of luke.

11/9/18

i'm luke , a foul mouthed 15 year old . i'm trans and i just need somewhere to rant . i don't care whether or not if this is read nor the popularity of it . i hope you don't mind .

11/9/18-
My throat is killing me. I've been getting sick every other week and I'm fucking pissed. My throat has never looked this bad, with lesions on my tonsils. I was supposed to go to a doctor's appointment but of course, my mother fails to no avail. So I have to wait to go, again. I hate her. Can't stand her. Can't wait to leave this place. This small town, where I'm doomed to be a nobody. This small town where everyone knows one another from birth and childhood. This small town where everyone's homophobic. Would they ever suspect that I'm not who they think I am? That there's a boy in here, dying to get out. Practically scratching and screaming to escape and be Luke. Not my b/n. That girl was never here. Or maybe she once was. But she is long gone now. Then him. I love him. I hate him. I crave him. Like a drug, 10x more addictive than heroin. I want to inhale him like marijuana and taste him on the tip of my tongue. He left me on seen, yet again. Why am I not surprised? I'm still hurt by it. The promises of love, broken promises. Fucking liar. How dare he have the balls to post "someone shoot their shot." God, what an asshole. It shouldn't bother me. We aren't dating but it still hurts. Stings like open, fresh wound. Why can't he just love me like I love him? Why can't anyone just love me in the way I want to be. I'm still young, I get that. But I'm so ready, so experienced. Not in bed. That's disgusting. I would never. Not after them. Both of them. Both took advantage of me at a young age. One while being in the same room as my mother and my siblings. But all fast asleep, except us. Pants hiked down, his hands roaming. Hard. Pain. Yet every day, beating on my mother. A strong soilder. A whore. A slut. A bitch. A woman who opens her legs for everyone. A woman who had another kid just to have a fucking moron stay with her. He stays for the baby. Not me and 3 other siblings. There's 5 of us total. Living with my grandmother. Poor lady. She still works and comes home everyday to a dirty house. My mother is useless. I pity her. But, I'm not her. Not like everyone says I am. No, no I could never be. Would never be. Going on 16 next year. Still a virgin, without kids. I will make it to Stanford and major in psychology. Never be like my mom. Even now, I'm being an idiot. So desperate for his attention and love. Fake love. But no, nothing. Ignored and irrelevant I am to him. But that's okay. I know my worth. I am handsome and my personality isn't the worst. I just need to stop liking people who will not give me the time of day, who will take advantage of the love I have to offer. It's fine. I'll be fine.