A Hard Man To Love

Reflection

*This one is smutty*

Merle had a hard life, you knew that, harder than yours. He'd had an abusive father that wasn't interested in taking care of his family. They were lucky to get a meal a day and survive his abuse to the next day. Not that your life had been all that hard. Granted you didn't grow up in the lap of luxury but you'd had a roof over your head, food to eat, and two loving parents. Everything you had as an adult of course you'd had to work hard for, you weren't shy about getting your hands dirty or doing 'a man's work' as Merle called it. He was a hard man. Hard to love. Hard to live with. Hard to relate to. But underneath the gruff demeanor and shit talk he was a good man. And when he was present in the moment with you, he was the best of men.

He'd never asked you to marry him. You were never sure if it was because he didn't want to be tied down or if he didn't want to forever tie you to him but that was okay. Both happiness and life were fleeting things and you took what he was able to give you. The two of you shared a house, shared the load, and shared a bed at night. Were there disappointments and bitter arguments? Times you thought you should just pack up and leave forever? Of course. Merle had let you down over the years. Cheated on you and broken your heart. But you could honestly say he'd never made you fear him. He'd never turned his anger on you, hit you or abused you. Physically or verbally. He genuinely had too much respect for you and your place in his life to do that.

Could you have done better? It depended on your definition of better. Could your life have been easier with another man? Yes. Could you have had less heartbreak with another man? Yes. Could you have suffered fewer hard times with another man? Yes. Could you have been as happy with another man? No. Could you have felt as safe with another man? No. Could another man work your body the way Merle did? No.

Your friends didn't understand why you'd stayed with him for so long. First, he was older than you. By fifteen years. You'd been together since you were twenty and he was thirty-five. Now you were thirty-five and he was approaching his fiftieth birthday. You didn't have daddy issues, that wasn't it at all, and he never asked you to call him daddy either. Despite your friends assertions he was taking advantage of your innocence that could not have been further from the truth. You hadn't gone to him as a doe-eyed virgin. That ship had sailed long before he came along since you lost your virginity at sixteen and discovered you really, really liked sex. When Merle came along he had been just the right combination of rough, hard, and sweet, and his blue eyes did you in the first time they landed on you. At that moment you knew you'd spend your life with him.

Second, he loved his beer and had been high on all sorts of drugs for a lot of years. Both before and after you were together. There were several times that he'd drain your bank account for booze or drugs and you wouldn't have money for the rent or to buy food. You'd be kicked out of whatever place you were living in and have to stay in your parent’s basement until Merle sobered up and went out to do some odd jobs so you'd have money to move out of their basement again. Strangely enough, he never touched the account that had been designated for your schooling, not once. Once you got out of nursing school you went into a very specialized field in order to have the opportunity to sign on with the major area hospital with a hefty sign on bonus. A few years later when that opportunity came along you'd used that money to buy your tiny little house and it was enough that the mortgage you had was minimal at best. So after that, even if Merle drained your bank account for booze or drugs, there was still a roof over your heads. Even if the lights got cut off for a time, or you had to ask your parents for groceries for a week, you had a safe place to live that no one could take from you.

Third, there was the cheating. It had happened more than you wanted to admit over the years. In Merle's defense it had never been when he was sober. Not that being drunk or high was an excuse, but it was something to know that when he was in his right mind he'd never consider cheating on you. After you found out about the first time you told him until he could keep his dick in his pants unless it was in you he'd have to wrap it if he wanted it in you. He hadn't argued. You were fairly certain he'd always used condoms when he cheated anyway but you weren't taking chances.