I lay there in the dark curled in a ball hugging my hands into
my knees to feel safe again.
My head touching the floor tears flowing side ways across my face
dripping on to the carpet. This is a usual occurrence in the latter
hours of the day. It's a sort of numbing sadness that fills me at
night . I can only assume it has to do with the insistent pounding in
my skull and the thoughts flowing through my mind. Knowing that you
are alone and forgotten in the universe is one the scariest thoughts
that I think. To be alone truly alone is terrifying . I've never been
able to be a self sufficient person. Still a hopeless romantic when
neglected I panic and stress till the point where I self destruct. I
suppose I have always had self destructive personality . Thinking of
ways I could easily make the pain stop thousands of ways I could could
write a informational book on how one can kill themselves. This all
started at a very young age being so obsessed with death that is . As
long as I've ever been able to remember the idea of suicide has felt
so much more simple then life. The only comfort I have ever known is
that il one day be ended. See the strange thing about my purging with
death is that I fear pain and I fear what's beyond death. As I said
before the scariest thought is being alone so my self destructive
tendencies have never been a plus . Oh what a catch is the suicidal
girl with scarred skin and no promise ! I put all my hope into those I
love with I can say very confidently is not healthy but I have never
cared what is healthy for myself. The ones I love never seem to
understand my exact feeling because I put up a wall of smiles and
sunshine. They ignorantly go about their life's paying no attention to
me when I need and crave their love and attention. That is all that
keeps me living .And Sometimes, I feel like ripping apart my skin, and
searching for a reason for why
I feel this empty. Maybe my veins are tangled, or something is lodged
in my ribcage.
Because it feels like something inside of me is missing or broken.
