Tears hit my scarred wrists, as I broke down. Thoughts of Mikey Way, haunting me. He's dead and it's all my fault. I killed him, and his brother. And I will never forgive myself. I'm a monster. And nobody will ever love me the way he did. Love me for who I am, and accept all of my flaws too. Accept me for the monster I am. And I can't forget him. It's been two years since I got those letters, and I think about them all the time. I think about Mikey all the time. And I think about Gerard. The men I killed, because I didn't care. Now I sometimes feel like Mikey still sends me letters. Still bitter about what I did, yet still in love with me.
I grabbed the box at the side of my bed and read that last letter over again. I've graduated high school, and moved out of the house, but I still can't get over it. Especially after the way they honored Gerard at our graduation. They called his name and had someone hold up his photo. And now in a year, they'll do the same for Mikey. And I'll be there, in the crowd cheering when they call his name. Because now I know what it feels like when you can't fall out of love. I understand Mikey's struggle with me. He's dead now and I just can't get over it. He was my true love, even though we didn't talk much. And I just think. Gee and I were going to start a band. And Mikey and Ray would be there too. And now that won't ever happen. I haven't spoken to Ray since Gerard died. I think he's gotten married too. I wasn't invited to the wedding.
I looked out the window at the soft falling snow. I can't believe it's been nearly three years since it's happened. December fifth was the day Gerard died. Mikey died two days later. It's December first now, and I'm already sad. I don't have anyone to grieve to. I lost everyone. My mom disowned me, and my father, I never knew him, and my sister, hell if I know. I stared out the window and finally got up and walked over to it, placing my hand on the cold glass. I'm going to move away after Mikey's graduation ceremony this spring. New Jersey just isn't the same.
