in the life of luke.

11/11/18

11/11/18-
Falling, harder and faster. I don't know when I'll reach the ground. All I know is I wanna stay up. Up here, high and happy forever. But all good things come to an end. Promises of love and commitment. How can I believe him? But I do. Part of me does at least. I trust him. I'm giving him my all. My everything. Except for that part of me. I could never give myself up in that way. Why would anyone want me after they know what I've endured? That they're not the first to discover that part of me. Disgusted they shall be. Ashamed and guilt ridden I am. My ex messaged me yesterday. The boy I cried myself to sleep for. Promises of love, true love and pure yet not, now broken. We last talked a month ago before he disappeared into thin air again. What was he expecting? For me to wait for him forever? Hell no. I broke up with him because he left. Always. So secretive. It killed me because I wanted him so so badly. I missed him with my entire being. He was even gone on our anniversary till I had to be the first to message him. I'd never felt so neglected and unloved. I left him but for the best. I can tell you I regretted it right after. Went right back a little over a week after. But it was far too late. He was gone again. But months after, he returned. I was elated. But seeing his message made me sick. I remember that exact morning. Going on my merrily way, sitting at the lunch table with my breakfast. Waiting for time to pass. Not even a bite into my food yet. And my phone vibrated. One glance at him, there. Alive and well. I lost my appetite. He didn't wanna stop talking to me though. He said he liked talking to me. Subtle flirts here and there. He still made me happy. But then became hard and serious. Why did I try coming back? Was it because I was lonely? No and no. I wanted him. My heart belonged to him. I explained that. Even after dating someone new to get over him, that I still loved him. He left again. I wished him a happy birthday. Even with him gone. I got a simple "Yeah." I don't care. I care. Do I? I do. But I don't love him. Not anymore. But I care about him. My first love is held in a special place in my heart. The one who taught me love, patience and pain. I'm sorry. I love Ariana and I couldn't help myself. But it's true. He did all those things. The person I'm talking to now is nothing like him. They're so different. I thought I could never love again but here I am. Doing it again. In love with someone I don't deserve and should have no chance with. But I do. I have a chance. A chance to love and be loved. A chance to be hurt and heartbroken again. I'm so very willing to take that chance.