혼자 》Poetry

-=What's Next=-

Growing up I was what most people would call a geek
You know the straight A student, who'd stress out over their grades and dedicate most of their time to study.
Yep, that was me.
From a young age it was instilled into our brains that if we want to make something of ourselves then we need to go to university!
I mean it was practically a necessity.
Why? Because it would increase your job prospects and ensure financial stability
And when you're sixteen that's the ultimate goal really.

I remember applying for college and the questions that was often asked was -
What do you want to be?
I had no idea.
I wasn't thinking about my future, I barely remembered the day of the week?
And I definitely did not deal well with responsibility
The truth is I never knew the answer to that question,
I based my choices down to my GCSE's
I did well at Law so I figured, hey, a lawyer it shall be.

Studied hard, 2 years passed and I finally started university.
Uni was anything but easy.
Reading lists were ever - growing, stress was at an all time peak
read, eat, sleep, repeat.
cram for the exam you have next week.
It was crazy.
I'd love to tell you stories about how I was having the time of my life and going to crazy parties
but I can't really
The truth is I spent most nights exhausted, reading case law at a 24 hour library.
I was living the dream.
3 years later and I finally got myself a bachelor's degree.
and that's when it hit me.
I came to the realisation, that this isn't who I want to be.

After graduation came the stress.
Filling in one job application after the other, dreading the impending student loan debts
I was a mess.
Struggling to get by with only one question on my mind.
What's Next?

The next few months were hard
fill out an application form, get rejected, and then inevitably fall apart
Build myself back up and restart
Felt like I had an empty future ahead of me and I wasn't getting very far.

Stop. Reassess
The anxiety hits me all over again.
back to the drawing board I guess.
Overwhelmed by the stress - I confess.
I don't know what's next.
and we're back to the first step.

Looking back now, hitting rock bottom was the best thing that could've happened to me.
It took feeling like an absolute failure to finally set me free.
I had a fresh start, a chance to rebuild myself
Be whoever I wanted to be.
Because what's there to lose when you have nothing?
but what's there to gain? - everything.

I started writing, creating films, performed spoken poetry,
discussed important topics and talked about things that mattered to me,
I made people stop, think, feel,
For the first time in my life I was doing something that felt real.
No more pressure to compete,
I simply worked hard doing what I loved and told myself, whatever will be will be
I grew an online audience, connected with people worldwide, and for the first time in my life I saw things so clearly.
No longer adhering to social constructs, I'm choosing my own path, and I've never felt more free.

I want to feel, like really feel.
Travel the world and connect with people.
I want to help, make an impact, tell incredible stories,
conquer all my darkest fears and live limitlessly.
No more running away anymore,
I want to delve into the unknown, take risks and chances,
because as cliche as it sounds we really do only live once,
and I don't plan on taking that for granted.

So ask me again what's next? and I'll say the answer is easy.
What's next is continuing to work hard doing what I love
and an infinite amount of opportunity.