My Bloody Truth pt. 1

My Start

Let's just start with a single word, "divorce".
That's the only word I remember hearing before it all began. It's the word that began everything. Like a domino effect, it made everything after it miserable and dark. I can't tell why exactly I gave up so easily but I did. The second my father walked through that door,, I knew hell had begun. And I had very little hope of getting out.

That night he left I locked myself in the bathroom. I stood there under the shower head, with water running down my face. I couldn't tell which drops were tears and which were actually water from the bath. I was completely fine physically but it felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me. The sound of his heavy feet walking through the hall and down the stairs with a suitcase. The sound of the door slamming shut. It was the only thing I could hear. I was terrified that I was never gonna feel anything else again. Meanwhile, my mother didn't help much. Even though she loved me, she had never wanted to have children so she had no idea exactly what to do. All she could do was blame him for leaving.

As time passed by I went from just crying to thinking about self harm. Obviously I wasn't gonna let anyone know so I'd fake a smile everywhere I went. No one ever found out. No one would guess that...

    behind that smile all I had left was a drowning heart and very little love to give. I had turned to a piece of ice,, at least for a while.

I still visited my dad on weekends, and I loved to see him. But... me and my mother started having problems. We'd fight almost everyday because my understanding was that this bullshit was all my damn fault.

"He left because of me! I did this! He left because of me!"

"Shut up you're talking nonsense it's all his fault"

She hated him for leaving, and I couldn't stand the fact that she was blaming him, it was obviously my fault right?!

A while after my mother decided she wanted a new start so she moved away to Florida, and that decision dragged me along with her. I had to start over. No friends, no house of my own. Nowhere to call my home. We moved into our cousins house and began a new life there. I personally was not too fond of the idea, but I still gave it a shot.

Soon after we moved in my mother found a place we could move into. Just a small room with a bathroom attached to it. She was working minimum wage and couldn't afford anything nicer, but I was pretty happy I had something to call my own after such a long time. We moved in and I was pretty happy about finally having my own "house".

But of course knowing my luck I couldn't be happy for too long. As my mother started working more and more she never had time for me. I had to do everything on my own. Since I was 11 and had no idea how to cook I resorted to eating junk food. Obviously eating garbage everyday made me start to gain a lot of weight on the long run.

My mother didn't stop working, and in turn of not doing anything she'd start calling me fat. She'd say it was a way to get me to stop eating garbage and lose weight. That's when the body image issues started kicking in.

After I finished my school year I had the chance to travel to my home country and spend the entire summer with my dad! I hadn't seen him in almost a year! One thing I immediately knew was that when the time came for me to go back to Florida I'd die inside. I always felt more attached to my father than to my mother.

And so the day came. I was traveling alone, my mother would travel a little bit later than me. I arrived and my grandmother was there waiting. I'd be staying with her and her husband who is like a grandfather to me. He is a precious soul and treats me as his own.

I would also get to see my stepmother. My father had married a woman a few months back and let me know right before I left for Florida. I liked her,,, and her daughter was such a cute and kind girl. She was older than me by a couple of years so I'd get to have an older sister.

As time passed my dad finally arrived about 10 days later. All I could do was smile when I saw him. I was so happy to finally see him again. That was the best moment I'd had in a while. I had an amazing time with them. We went to some hotels, and spent time with my new family. But the dreaded day came. My mom showed up with her now husband. Yes she married while we were there. (You'll find some interesting stuff out about this guy later) I had to leave...

"Dad I don't wanna leave!! I wanna stay with you!! Please baba don't let them take me with them!! Please!!!!!! Don't leave me!!"

As much as I cried I still had to go. As I walked home all I could do was let my tears fall down and stay silent. That night I was dropped off at my grandparents to stay the night and I'd get picked up the next day to leave. However, I had other plans than stay there and do nothing to at least try and stay with my dad. I called my dad over and over again until he picked up. I could barely speak cause I had been crying so much. It was around 3 am and I had been crying since I was dragged away from him at around 8 pm. Go figure, after such a long time of crying I'd obviously be unable to speak. All I could do was whisper in a cry so my grandparents wouldn't find out I was calling anyone. After a bit of crying on the phone with him and begging to stay in silence he told me to calm down and go back and we'd talk it out when he got back home. I finally had a little of light pointing towards the opportunity of me being able to move with him.

But I still wasn't happy staying there. I called my mother and prayed for her to come pick me up. Her and her husband showed up, both pretty mad. As soon as we got to where they were staying the man slammed the door and screamed words that I'll never forget.

"Now you're in my house, and you'll do what I tell you to do!"

Of course since my mother always cared more about the men she was with than me she didn't say a single word about how I was being treated. That night I slept on the ice cold floor, right next to the AC in the corner of the room with only a towel to keep me warm. The next day I woke up and gathered all my strength to keep my tears in and just fly back home. Right before we left I called my dad and his wife to say I love them and goodbye.

And with that we left. But soon after me and my mother would have the biggest fight ever. Glass would fall and shatter. And screams would go back and forth. All because I begged her to let me live with my dad. Even though I was an "obstacle" she didn't want me to go. I don't know if it was for the money or something else but she didn't want me gone.

After a whole lot of begging and crying and screaming and calling my dad for support she finally gave in... after two months!

I was finally moving away to be with my father. The one thing I had wanted for so long.

The day came for me to go. As I was in the airport I realized that even though I wanted to leave I loved my mother. Even though I wasn't sure if she loved me back. As I sat on the plane I just looked out he window with tears in my eyes. I had wanted to leave so bad but now that I was leaving I missed her so bad.

I had finally gotten what I wanted. I was leaving her behind...