messages i'll never send

i don't know boundaries

i was so bitter and angry for the longest time. i still make mean comments and i know they're mean because you couldn't and still cannot help how you feel. but i was so hurt by you. i am not as bitter now. it feels strange to have accepted that i cannot get you back. hopefully i can move on with my life soon and maybe even be able to finish watching psych without feeling guilty that you're not watching with me.

of course... your mom still talks to mine. a lot. i still see your sisters multiple times a week. your mom always says hello to me as if nothing ever happened. i wonder if they ever questioned why i stopped coming around and you stopped going out places with me. i wonder what you told all of them. it slightly bothers me that theyre all still so friendly, because, like i said, i was so hurt by you, but ik that technically nothing happened between me and your family so like it's alright to be friends, as long as you don't hate me? which i thought you did for the longest time because i was so bitter about the whole situation that i thought surely you hated me in return.

but you've started liking my instagram posts. and ik it's probably not that deep but i'm still trying to understand what it means. you told me long ago that you hardly go on instagram, you just go on to do something with your hands when you're anxious or have to stay still. you like the first couple posts, and then close the app. you didn't even like some of my posts when we were 'dating' and people asked me about it, leading to me pointing it out and you spamming my posts with likes all at once. but now, i see you liking just my post. and nothing else. bc i stalk the activity tab to see who's doing what on insta because i'm bored. and i can see you only liking my post and it shouldn't and probably doesn't mean anything but i'm perplexed by it.

i always wanted to at least be friends but honestly now i don't think i could do it, even if i miss talkin to you sometimes and having a stable and deeply trusting friendship with someone who can actually comfort me face to face. it wouldn't work because we don't know the difference between just friends and more than that. we've never been just friends. we've either been strangers or 'lovers' and i don't know which is worse anymore.