Secrets in the Smoke

Epilogue

  Everybody has secrets. Some of us choose to tell our secrets and live a life without fear. Others -like me- choose to bottle ourselves up and let the things we don't want others to know, eat us from the inside out. Living in constant fear and worry. We're scared to fuck up or screw someone over and we let our pasts and mistakes control our every move. When you have too many secrets, every single breath you take, decision you make, step you talk, and word you speak is carefully planned and articulated. Our lives are planned out by fear, but sometimes, the right person in all the wrong ways, can show you things about yourself and open the door to the fears and secrets you've been hiding and throw your life into a sea full of monsters. All with a few words, a simple touch, a smile, an act of pure kindness, all things that you try to avoid. But they can never be truly avoided. They are always there. Laying under a person's skin. Hidden under a thin layer of cells. A person can help or hurt you. It's up to you who you let into your life and what you do with the gift they give you. Something i have learned though, is that the more people you push away, less will stay in your life. We can't always control what cards we are dealt in life, but play the game right, and maybe, just maybe,you can leave your past behind and start over, fresh, new, clean- as if nothing ever happened. Except it did. And everyday, it surfaces in the back of your mind- reminding you that you are not in control. A reminder that our pasts, our secrets, our lies? They will always have the upper hand. But what happens when your cards suck and you know you're going to lose? What are you going to do? Fight for what you want? Or throw your cards down and walk away.? Take a second to look up and focus on a person, someone you know little about. Just like every living person on earth, this person has fears and secrets that scare the shit out of them. Every single person is hiding something. Including yourself. Go ahead. Roll your eyes. Laugh. Deny it. It changes nothing. Every single breathing living person on this planet has a secret. Maybe your secret is not as brutal and horrifying as others. Who knows? Your biggest secret could just be that you stole your best friends Halloween candy in the second grade. If that is truly the worst thing you have ever done, i applaud you. Keep it that way. You have a good shot at life. Now the rest of us. We struggle every day to stay alive. We look happy, we tell you we are happy. Truth is, we don't want help. That is probably because the one time we gave in and showed our weakness and asked for helped? We were fucked over. We are scared for it to happen again. So when someone keeps something from you? Don't pressure them. If someone trusts you? They will let you in eventually. But pushing them isn't going to help with shit. Remember that.