Anxiety, Love and Lies

Part 1Depression

Hi , My Name is Alexus and this is my story I am sharing with you guys.

On April 15,2018 I was deeply in love with a guy name Marshon . I thought he would be my everything, but turns out I meant nothing to him. When he decided to break up with me I began to question myself "what did I do" "did he not love me the same" "Is there someone else" and then there was someone else .
You could say I was TOO deeply in love when he called me names, I wanted him more , left me for another female, I wanted him more , blocked me and etc... I felt worthless , I asked god what did I do ? Give him back too me ! Marshon was everything I wanted but not everything I needed. I cried myself to sleep , I cried waking up I cried everyday,but who would've ever thought the amazing man above (God) had something up his sleeve .. fast forwarded to the summer time which means everything to teenagers ! Schools out !! That means Swim time, relaxing , enjoying your family and most of all your lover .. July rolls around and I meet this Guy name Terry. We started out as close friends , not to mention he's a friend of Marshon. I asked him to be my best-friend not too get back at marshon but only because I felt like I needed to be loved again. I knew Terry and I would end up together because hey, look at me ..
Terry was more interested in like Christian girls and I was absolutely nothing like that I was more like an i don't care type person , I like to fight type person ... so I start thinking hey , he's cute and seems nice I wonder would he be interested in me . We went on dates as best friends having a good time at the movies and boom .... he leaned and kissed me . I was stunted because he's friends with my ex and he just kissed me. Deep down I'm thinking about marshon the entire time trying to get over him fighting these egregious thoughts in my head "what do I do" ! "Did I really just let him kiss me"! "I'm a whore"! "God please help" !! .. now this is the part where God himself comes in at .. After I left the movies with Terry my best-friend called me (Lauryn) she asked did I wanna go to some guy house with her so I'm like "yes sure why not" she came and got me,fast-forward we get there remind you I'm a bad teenager so we start smoking (moon rock weed) I didn't know you could die from smoking that but yes you can it messes with the heart . So I smoked it , trying to be a bad ass , it kicks in and I start feeling dizzy , heart racing , can't see anything , but I didn't panic !!! When I should have panicked .. I was scared for my dear life ..
            •DEPRESSION (PART)
I went home laid down crying scared didn't know what to do or what was going on I couldn't breathe !! I thought it was the end for me I prayed to god I drank lots and lots of water nothing happened !! So I got the idea of calling Terry and told him what happened .. guys when I say he helped me and he was there for me that's how I knew I was falling for him Quickly... I told him how I felt about him and how he helped me with my problems. After that I start to feel nervous all the time , scared to go places , I wasn't myself lately.. but I thought it was because I didn't feel good ....He told me to pray and I really didn't know how to pray I was really not the praying Type of person. I never really learned about God , I use to always tell myself "when I get older I'll learn about god" "am I atheist" ? "Who is he" "why isn't he here now" so I read something in the Bible not knowing how scary is it. I also forgot to mention , I cry about everything I'm very very sensitive.. so after I read that in the Bible I started crying because I was afraid of going to hell because I was having thoughts in my head about God "negative" thoughts and I didn't know if it was the devil trying to distract me from what I was trying to build with my father , but it worked . I became to panic everyday , cry everyday , thinking I was going to die, that's how scared I was of God sending me to the hole of fire. I'm still scared of him because I fail him everyday and not proud but hey, we are all sinners. Terry plays apart in my faith life very much and I adore him so much .. but I treat him like he's worthless, but not that I don't mean it . He comes when I need him , He adores me , and I really appreciate him in my life .. Terry helped me with my faith and I guess that was God plan to get me closer to him and when I say that was the best decision ever ... I'm now a faithful girl too my God and love him dearly I stay talking to him ..
         School starts, depression didn't end. I thought about all the things I've done in that school. From 6th grade to 11th grade I was this horrible kid that always wanted to fight people if they said something wrong , Fighting teachers , expelled from school etc...  Terry and I began this thing were we wanted to become Christians I was fighting for my soul begging God to forgive me for my sins, crying in my sleep thinking I'm going to die because I cursed God himself. Then I realize how much I meant to God, how much he cared for me , he just wanted me closer to him. I thought I would never get better . My blood pressure goes up higher than Moses built the ark ,Corny joke I know. Heart pains gets worst and at this point I feel anxious so I panic, I have panic attacks in my sleep , sent me to the doctor plenty of times, docs checks my heart "you're fine" "you just have anxiety" "why does your heart beat so fast" ? "What are you nervous about" ? Deep down I wanted to explain the story about my faith but I'm emotionally so I tell them a made up story.. "oh idk what it is" "it just happened all of a sudden" so I prayed to God everyday asking him "heal my heart" "make my mind stronger" "why am I thinking like this" but at the end it all gets better because of Terry the guy I adore so much for always being there through hospital times , mood swings ,and etc... The doctor diagnosed me with "Anxiety disorder". I would've never thought I would have a problem until I asked my Mother did she have it and she said no . My grandmother has it and her mother has it.