My worst nightmare

I'm sorry.

I didn't want it to come to this. But it's too late. I should've been more careful.

I hadn't known him long. I'm not entirely sure how we became such good friends, considering when I met him I hated him with a passion. I can't entirely remember why, but I hated him. I love him now of course, he's my best friend. Or at least was...

I let him in. I didn't mean to, but we are practically the same person. I knew he would understand.

I'm not entirely sane. I probably should have started with that.

He knew I wasn't all there in the head, but he tried so hard to sympathise and stay with me. I tried to hold myself together for him, I never wanted to let him down. But everything started going downhill last week.

I'm still not certain on what happened but I just seemed to fall apart. I sat up for nights texting him, crying down the phone, scaring him shitless for what I saw to be no good reason. He's the only reason I'm still alive and I can never express how truly grateful I am to have him for a friend. He talked me out of it time and time again, for a few hours each night I resented him just a little... for keeping me alive. I know how backward that is. He guilt me over and over again so that I would stay alive, and despite me knowing he was lying or at least exaggerating, I still stopped. 

So, I shut him out.

I threatened to but then I told him I wouldn't. It wasn't hard. I just told him I was fine or distracted him with the insignificant problems that won't worry him as much. It wasn't hard.

A week passed, and I told him I was past it, that I was all better. Several sleepless, bloody bandage filled nights later, and it was Saturday again. I don't know what compelled me to text him, but I did. It was a little after noon and I met him at the park behind my house. It wasn't that cold, but I wore an oversized hoodie and a hefty jacket to hide how skinny I've gotten. Wind whistled through the trees surrounding a sturdy aging bench me and him always met at. for months now we just sat on this bench for hours on end talking. Talking about things we knew we couldn't say to anyone else. 

He placed himself next to me. He stared at me with his signature concerned glance and I stared at my scuffed boots, fringe in my eyes. I know he knew I wasn't okay. He was talking but I couldn't bring myself to answer. Then something snapped...

I don't remember what I did. But I knew it would happen eventually. When I snapped back into it I was at the other side of the woods, with my back pressed against an ancient oak tree which towered above the rest of the woodland. Then I saw him.

Well not completely but I knew it was him. I couldn't bring myself to look any closer. He was a few feet away, I turned my back to it and faced the tree. I couldn't cry. I don't know why. I guess I was just numb from disbelief.

I knew I wasn't completely sane. But I never thought I'd kill him...

I'm sorry.