Forget Me Not

When you die, no one tells you how slowly it happens; how every last breath you take keeps you held in suspension, stuck in some untouchable place no one can reach you. This was how I awoke. The souls of the damned singing a melody that beckoned me away from the only world I knew. Somehow I knew while I sat on the sandless banks that there would be a boat arriving which was supposed to ferry me to the afterlife.

The afterlife. It was never something I believed in before. I'm not sure I even believe in it now, despite it being the place I'm currently bound. As I crane my head to get a better look beyond the bend, all I'm greeted with is the continuous river of the damned. Pale ghostly appendages occasionally breach the waves of souls yet they always lost momentum, dipping back into the undertow with nothing for their efforts. Futile.

Futile like my attempt to run. That was what got me here in the first place. Had I not been running from my problems, from her, maybe I would still be there.

I lay back with my arms spread wide as if ready to embrace whatever came. The world rushed upwards and my body felt broken, met with pain. My senses were overloaded with voices I couldn't make out, people I couldn't see, and devastation beyond repair. Vaguely it registered that I was dying. Lying broken in the street where I was hit.

That's right. I hadn't seen the speeding car unable to stop in its path. It was amazing I hadn't died just from the impact. I remember feeling a heavy weight and the snap of my bones. Then weightlessness from how far I flew. Then I woke up in the underworld.

I quickly sat back up, clutching a hand to my chest. My heart thundered in my ears and my lungs choked on the air they desperately tried to drink in. Funny. My heart still beat even after my death. A strong thrum that still tethered me to the place inbetween worlds.

I gather myself. I should go back before I die. I know she won't be there but part of me wants to see if by chance one of those indiscernible voices could be. I don't deserve her to be there. I don't deserve that comfort. Yet, I crave her still.

She was my everything. She gave me her love, her life, and I ran from her. It was a mistake. I panicked. I shouldn't have. Would she forgive me if I begged in these last moments? Could I forgive myself? I have to at least try. For Aria.

Once again, I lay back down in the position where I'll feel the pain of dying once more. The impact. The flight. The landing. I feel it all again in my desperate attempt to find my lost love. My lungs are choked and flooded on blood. Everytime I attempt to speak, nothing but strangled gurgles come out. I hear a gasp from my left but it seems no one is close enough to reach out to. Pain radiates throughout my arm as I try to reach out for the voices above me. I scratch and claw but can find nothing, no one, within reach. My hand flops back down broken and empty.

On the tail of a wisp of wind came the sweet escape of a memory.

~

Sunshine pooled through the open window setting her auburn locks ablaze. I couldn't help but run my fingers through that untamable mess. It caught her attention; pulling her from her thoughts and musings. God, did those honeyed eyes make me yearn to spend every waking second in her light. The light that with each passing day grew dimmer. These days there was less laughter. No more talk of dreams or their future together. The only thing they spoke of was how to glean one more hour together.

Fingers snapped before my eyes, "Are you even listening to me? I swear to god, Mila. Every time I try to tell you about new treatments or medicine you zone out. It's important to me so can't you at least try to act interested?"

"I'll be more interested when this shit starts working. I can't live seeing you like this." My voice sounded hard even to my own ears and too stern. She didn't deserve that. She was the one dying, not me. I tried to soften my words. I took her small hand in mine, threading our fingers together. A mistake. I hated the way her skin was always cold and deathly pale. This wasn't my Aria. I forced myself to keep her hand in my own but it made my skin crawl. She could tell, I could see it in the hurt that shone in her eyes. "I love you and I'll try. I'm just frustrated that they've been trying things for months now. Nothing is working. I can't lose you."

On the edge of my last breath went the memory. I plunge back into the darkness of the afterlife

I stare into the unyielding souls before me. "Maybe I should jump in." As if even they could sense my cowardice their tune changed to a discordant sound that made me cover my ears. Their wails and moans brought me to my knees and it was all I could do to growl out my surrender. "Okay, okay I get it. No more running. I'll wait for the damn boat." Even now I couldn't run from what I'd done.

Though there was no water, when I stared down I could make out a watery reflection of myself. The eyes which used to hold so much love and joy were gone. Only a pale comparison of the soft blues they'd once been. The entrancing color matched the skies above, the very things that made her fall for me in the first place were defiled by death.

Things couldn't end this way. I couldn't let my last moments be some watered down version of my true self. This wasn't me. Running from fate and my actions. This wasn't the person she fell for.

I rested backwards attempting to reach my crippled body but somehow, someway, I know that it's too late. "God dammit!" I pound my fists against the ground in frustration. Now that I've begun to regret death spits in my face? I can't give up. I stand and slam myself back onto the ground, again and again. Trying to trigger that connection to my body. I sit up and rear back countless times until I hit my head so hard my eyes blur. Through the murk of my tears I see her.

Aria lay in her hospital bed. That day had been rough. The treatment made her sick and she had spent all morning vomiting nothing. There was nothing for her to vomit since she hadn't eaten for the last two days. She was so thin and small. It looked like she would break if I even touched her. I hated her. I loved her. I loved and devoted my life to the woman who was vibrant and filled with soul; who despite all her beliefs and religion found herself enamored to me, another woman. The same woman who hadn't run from the change but embraced it and me as well. The woman who now lay dying despite fighting so hard against the odds given to her. She was asleep now, tears beading the edges of her eyes from the hard retching she'd been doing minutes before. I hated the fragile thing before me who stole Aria from me. The sick monster who became the manifestation of illness. The monster who stole our future. My hands were shaking. They lifted the pillow from beside her, so careful not to wake her. There was only one thought in that moment, a whispered promise, "I have to free her." The pillow pressed against her face smothering her airways. Maybe she hadn't been asleep, there was no fight. Her muscles went lax as if she expected it. Maybe in the end those tears had been for me. From the whisper of the cloth as it slide away, I could have sworn I heard 'I love you'.

From the corner of my eye I see a small wooden gondola approaching. The hooded ferryman silent as skeletal hands guided the boat with paddle in hand. It slowed when it reached the spot where I lay. He seemed to consider me for a moment. My eyes strained to gaze beyond that hood but all that lay was darkness. He seemed expectant. Don't ask me how I could tell. I could sense his impatience, like he was saying "Get up already. You should know by now what you have to do."

I stood then. There wasn't much of a choice. I had no options to weigh. I was dead. My body was dead. She was dead. I stepped onto the boat and we drifted along the river.

We drifted for an immeasurable amount of time. We stood in that haunting place of near silence beyond the souls singing that haunting tune. There was nothing left for me. Was there hell beyond me waiting? Or maybe some place like heaven? Whatever it was, I could feel my own soul accepting that it would finally find rest.

That was until the ferryman pulled up to the bank of the river and bid me off his boat. I took a step down, unsure, I looked back to him. There was no expression to read but again I could sense his impatience. I moved forward and examined the bank. Beyond in one direction it curved endlessly, just as it had before. And as realization dawned on me, I turned to climb back in, only to realize the man and his boat were gone. Like they had never been.

I sat back on the banks of the beckoning river of souls. I settled myself on the black sand watching as the damned drifted by. That was when I saw it. The same water eyed pale thing I thought had been my reflection before. It was me.