Hey Arnold! in the Movies - Arnold and Helga Meet a FAMOUS Director

Chapter 3

"Grandpa, this is insane! You have to put a stop to this!"

Arnold was in his grandparents' bedroom later than evening when the cast and crew had gone home for the night. Arnold was sitting on their bed, watching Grandpa as he did his nightly calisthenics in his BVDs.

"On the contrary, Shortman," Grandpa countered, bending over to touch his toes. "I think with my help, Gil is on the fast track to win an award – a Razzie award, that is!" He burst out laughing.

"Come on, Grandpa – this isn't funny! This movie means a lot to Gil, and a lot to everyone else in the boarding house as well. You saw how everyone reacted when Gil arrived – they all loved his work!"

Grandpa scoffed. "Well that's because the whole lot of 'em have poor taste in cinema. As far as I'm concern, Gilbert C. Ratta is not a world-famous director, he's a troublemaker and a hack! Always has been and always will be!"

"But Grandpa—"

"But nothing!" snapped Grandpa, walking over to Arnold and shooing him off the bed. "Trust me, Shortman, you're too young to understand. I know you want me to do the right thing, but this is retribution over 40 years in the making. Ratta's had it coming and not you or anyone else are gonna stop me from doling out punishment! Now shoo, go on! Go to sleep or do your homework, or practice your recorder or whatever..."

He pushed Arnold out the bedroom and slammed the door in his face. Arnold merely sighed in defeat.

---

Day 2 of filming was not much better. Every so often, Grandpa would walk on set in front of the camera and deliberately ruin a shot, or he would make an outlandish suggestion to which Gil had no choice but to comply. In one scene he had the actors speak pig Latin. In another he forced Lola to deliver her lines while wearing a comically-oversized sombrero.

By noon, production was halted for lunch.

"I need a stiff drink," muttered Gil.

Once again Arnold confronted Grandpa. "Okay, you've had your fun, Grandpa – this is really getting out of hand."

"I know!" Grandpa whispered giddily. "Isn't it great? I think ol's Gil's ready to blow a gasket!"

"Grandpa...

Suddenly, Maurice ran down the hall with his hand over his mouth as he made a beeline for the bathroom. After several minutes, a production assistant knocked on the door.

"Uh...excuse me?" he said. "Maurice? You okay in there?"

Maurice didn't respond, but there was the unmistakable sound of vomiting coming from the other side of the door.

The production assistant looked at Gil. "I think it's food poisoning, sir."

"Well, what did you expect?" barked Ernie. "You let Grandma of all people provide the catering for this production! That's like playing Russian Roulette with your digestive system! You shoulda know that was risky! Didn't you used to grow up here?"

"Of course I knew that!" replied Gil. "But I didn't have a choice – Phil insisted Gertie be in charge of craft service!"

"I guess we'll have to delay production," said the production assistant.

"Absolutely not!" said Gil. "Besides, we didn't need Maurice for the next few scenes anyway. We can use a stand-in."

He scanned the room for a suitable replacement; eventually his eyes stopped on Arnold. "Hey, kid! I could really use your help to film the next scene."

"Who me?" Arnold said, incredulously. "But I'm not an actor..."

"GIL!" Lola stomped over to Gil, fuming. Her once comely face was painted in gaudy hues of yellow on the eyes, green on the cheeks, and purple lipstick.

"Lola, sweetie, baby, what's the matter?" he said.

"Don't 'Lola, sweetie, baby' me!" she yelled. "I did not sign up for this part to look like a clown!"

"I know, I know, it's just that....we decided to go in a different direction for your makeup."

"What direction: PT Barnum?! And explain this!" Lola thrust the script in Gil's face. "Where did all these changes come from? The story makes no sense now! It's like it was written by someone who can barely read!"

"Eh-heh-heh-heh...." Oskar laughed in the background.

"Well, we were given another script to work with," explained Gil. "Look, can you just try and make the most out of it?"

"YOU make it work – WITHOUT ME! I quit!" She slammed the script on the ground and stormed out.

"Lola, wait!" Gil buried his head in his hands. "Now what am I going to do..." Grandpa tapped him on the shoulder and he looked up. "What is it now, Phil...?"

"Well, since you've already got my grandson subbing for Maurice. Why not go all out and replace Lola as well? Arnold's little friend would make a good replacement."

"Fine....this day is a write-off anyway," sighed Gil. "Young lady?" Helga pointed to herself amongst the others watching in the crowd. "Yeah, you..."

A crewmember handed Helga a script as she stood beside Arnold.

"Guess we're playing opposite each other," said Arnold. "Isn't this exciting? It's just like when we did Romeo and Juliet together!"

"Hmph," said Helga as she studied the script. "Don't weigh me down, football-head. No offense, but your acting in the play was as wooden as Pinocchio's shins..."

"Quiet on the set!" commanded Gil, sitting in his director's chair. "Marker....action!"

"I think we're safe now," said Arnold, reciting his lines.

"Oh....nay, we are but delaying the inevitable," Helga said with an actor's flair. "For doom permeates the very foundation of this accursed house, just as it infests our souls and hearts. Demise is imminent...and we are but two hapless beings....trapped in yearning forms of flesh...destined for unconsummated ruin!"

As Helga said her lines, she moved closer and closer to Arnold until they were practically nose-to-nose apart.

"Whoa," said Gil. "Cut."

Helga pulled back just as Arnold fell to the ground in shock. She sniffed haughtily and flipped her hair. "Get on my level."

Grandpa clapped enthusiastically, and even Gil broke a tiny smile.

"See? That wasn't so bad, now was it?"

"I gotta admit, Phil – she's pretty good!" said Gil.

"Wonderful! And you know how we can make this scene even better?"

Gil's smile faltered. "No...?"

Grandpa turned to the group of boarders and kids on the set. "Good news, everyone! Gil is writing you all into the movie!"

Everyone burst into cheers at the revelation. Gil's right eye began to twitch ever so slightly.

Phil patted Gil on the back again. "Ain't no biz like showbiz, eh Gilly? Have fun."