Ever since I was in the sixth grade, when boys went from having cooties to becoming cuties, I was never considered attractive. Not a single boy in my entire grade would dare to go out with me, whatever “going out” in middle school really means. I was just that ugly duckling in a pond of swans. All of the girls in my class had long silky hair and these beautiful brightly colored eyes. It wasn’t until the middle of seventh grade that I began to develop a breast. No, not breasts. A single breast. The left one to get technical. And finally, after a long six months of wearing oversized sweatshirts and hoodies, my right one finally grew in. However, it still wasn't enough to grab a single male's attention.
In the middle of the seventh grade I developed my first real crush. Not one that you have where you just think they're cute, but the one you have that you just can't help but to stare at their butt as they walk by. The kind where all you want is to be in their warm embrace. The kind where you swear you're in love, if one even knows what love is in the seventh grade. It was on my best friend at the time. Michael Bates. Michael Bates was the kind of friend that I could laugh about absolutely nothing with, but I'd laugh simply because he said it.
"Hey Laney. Guess what happened to me the other day" he say with a slight chuckle.
"What Michael?" I couldn't help to respond with a bright grin.
"The other day when I was at home, I walked in on my dog humping my backpack. Now whenever I pick it up, I think about dog testicles."
I'd blurt out laughing uncontrolably. Even though it was not as funny as I made it seem, I just knew that it made Michael feel better to have someone there to laugh at his jokes. And it made me feel even better that the person who got the priviledge of laughing at them was me.
I really treasured our friendship, but I wanted something more between us. I still to this day don’t know what turned me onto him so much.
Was it how his blonde hair always seemed to fall perfectly into the right position, not a single stray piece of hair? Or how the little bit of acne he had on his face complemented his fairly thick eyebrows. I mean really, looking back at how he used to look, he wasn’t really hot stuff. But I fell for him, and boy did I fall hard. Being the naïve, young, fetus middle schooler that I was, I did what most girls with crushes in middle school did. I had my friends tell him that a crush on him. I mean, didn't we all do that at one point?
Sadly, Michael wasn’t interested and we were never friends again. He actually became surprisingly mean to me. Our friendship went from smooth sailing, to Titanic.
In the February of our seventh grade year, at our Valentine’s Day dance, when I asked him if he wanted to dance, he yelled,
“I would never in a million years dance with a girl as ugly, scary and desperate as you! No one’s every going to like a girl like you. Especially not me!”
I ran to the bathroom crying and the mascara that took me twenty minutes to put on correctly, all came off. I guess you can say that was my first wake up call. The words that Michael told me melted into brain, and I began to believe them. I had never wanted anyone as much as I wanted Michael, and Michael wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.
I mean, I didn't think that one dance would be that nig of a deal, but obviously, Michael didn't want any further association with me, and definitly not our friendship.
Since that night, I told myself,
“Laney Elizabeth Wright. No one’s ever going to love you.”
I let the words penetrate my brain, and I recited them in my head almost religiously. By the end of middle school, I decided that I was content with lonelness. I shut my heart down and began to be more reserved. I turned down the very few guys that did show any type of interest in me, hoping, that one day, someone will genuinley love me, and I'll love them. But that day didn't seem to be anywhere near.
Michael and I still see eachother on ocassion, but I will always miss the laughs, the smiles and think about all of the memories that we could've shared. If only I didn't ruin a beautiful friendship with a silly crush.
Little did I know that soon, I'd meet some one who I'd fall for harder than I'd ever fallen for. Harder that it is physically possible for one to fall.
