The pain

Have you ever felt the feeling where you feel lost and empty? 

You feel like everything is crashing down upon you and theres nothing you can do to stop it.  You are crying so much that you feel like you are going to cough up blood, like the hot tears will not run out of your eyes anymore. You feel like if you were gone no one would notice, but many people would. People do care about you, but that is not what you think about when you feel lonely and you want to climb into a black hole. You know it would be a better place then where you are right now. Sitting on the floor, crouching against the wall in the bathroom or even just on your way home. You wish you were not alive but you are trying to be strong, you know you cannot stay strong forever. Eventually, something will come out and attack. Something out of your control, one day you will fall apart and the thing that you fear most will be waiting for you.

For me, it was the pair of orange scissors in the top bathroom drawer. I would slam the bathroom door shut and lock the silver handle. Crouching down against the door praying for the pain to go away. Wishing that every single problem would just disappear. Unfortunately, the pain doesn't go away until its fed, until it gets what it really wants. Sitting there trying to talk myself out of my horrible decisions, I still gave in. Sobbing, I would grab the cold silver nob of the cabinet and yank the drawer open in defeat, fetching the pair of scissors. I would grab the scissors and run my fingers over the blade. I never wanted to do it, I did not want too, but it felt as if a magnetic field was pulling me towards the blade. 

The most intense moment during all of this was when I would bring the blade right up to my skin, seconds away from piercing the skin. That moment there, is where everything comes crashing down upon you then it just freezes like ice. Cutting is addictive, for a moment, you don't think about; that you hate your body, that you are always compared to others, how you'll never be enough or good enough, how people bully you, take advantage of you, how your family is fucked or how you haven't eaten in what seems like forever. No, you do not think about any of that. You think about the blade damaging your skin as your eyes fill in tears and your vision blurs. Your skin feels numb and you do not feel anything. For a moment, there is no pain.

After that moment you just sit on the cold ground breathing and crying. You honestly wish someone could stop you, but no one does. No one sees it the way we do. People think "Oh you just cut for attention." But if we were doing it for attention why would we do it behind locked closed doors? Why would we cover it with bracelets and long sleeves? Why would we make anonymous accounts to get support because we are too afraid to on our personal ones? The thing is you don't understand how it feels until it's you. 

People cut for many reasons and intentionally you don't always need a reason. The reason why people cut is because they'd rather handle the physical pain then the emotional, because the emotional pain hurts way more. But the scars reminds you of the emotional pain each time you look at it. Cutting is a coping mechanism, it takes away the stress for a couple of moments. But when you really think about it. Cutting is not a solution; it is creating another problem because eventually every secret comes out and people will see the scars. People will see the cigarette burns, the cuts, and the bruises. They will see everything, because the scars stay with you forever to remind people. No secret ever dies without a fight.

You try to hide them with makeup or cover them up with clothes. Sadly, beneath everything they still appear there. The scars are the things that are keeping you alive, after each battle a new scar appears. Which is amazing because when you really think about it, you are alive, you are here still fighting this battle. But after a certain amount of battles some people cannot take it anymore. So they give up and try to take their own life. Thinking it will solve everything when really you are leaving your loved ones with nothing but regrets. Regrets on what they such have done or what they should have said to you. You think killing yourself is solving the problem when it is creating a new one. A new problem that you do not have to deal with anymore but others will. Some may even follow your path because the pain will get to them too. People who have committed suicide were already emotionally dead because they thought about it mentally, before they approached it physically.

Trying to cope with self harm is very difficult by yourself. I tried to get help and I tried many things. I wore two or three elastic bands on my wrist and when I felt sad I would pull them far back and they would snap on my wrist then my wrist would swell. The marks faded eventually and it helped me not cut my skin. I tried drawing a heart or butterfly on where I cut and imagined it was someone I loved, and if I cut it I was killing that person.Every time I felt like hurting myself I put one dollar into a jar and at the end of the month I would buy something that made me happy. 

I was at one of the lowest points in my life and that day I decided that I needed to reach out for help. I called my best friend and she came over to see if I was okay. The minute she asked me what was wrong I spilt everything, I showed her my wrists, told her about my suicide attempts. She grabbed my arms and just cried, she was so hurt with what I was doing. She told me I needed to get help and that I did. Lots of things change in life; change is a very major thing. Life is so precious; life is as delicate as a butterfly's wings. Do not wake up with regrets, love the people who love you and forgive the ones who do not. Life is a journey so follow your own path to wherever it takes you; because everything will work it's self out. If someone you know is struggling with depression, let them know they do have someone to lean on, that they have someone that will be there for them when they break because the worse feeling is when you are alone. Most importantly, take action.

Let depression be your past and happiness be your future. I believe in you, if you need someone to save you I'm always here. I cannot fly across the world to save everyone though, I wish I could but I cannot. Let this message keep you alive tonight. My best friend saved me; I hope I can save you too.

KidsHelpPhone Ages 20 Years and Under in Canada 1-800-668-6868

Crisis 24 hrs for british columbia: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

Suicide hotline USA & Canada: 1-800-273-8255