I've Come To Burn Your Kingdom Down

12.11.18

I'm hurting, I'm in pain. My hands shake and my breathing shallows when I see you. Not from excitement but from nerves. Maybe you think I hate you, maybe you wouldn't know. I dread the moments we meet but our eyes don't anymore. It's always just a ghostly reminder of what it used to be. The drawings on my hand keep much more meaning than they seem. They keep me calm, like a house in a storm.

And I know this is all my fault and I really shouldn't be complaining but I can't help it. The guilt I always feel worms in my stomach and I can feel it killing me slowly. I know it was cruel and I know it was mean but I just wanted you to speak. I always ruin something so special but that is just me being selfish again. Someone once told me I gave too much and got too little in return. I always think different, people give too much to me and I never give back.

It kills me to see you so small and fragile, you're hurting and in pain. I can't do anything because it never feels like my place. I lost what was important and it was because of my own selfish needs. I want to see you happy, I swear but I can't help longing that it was me. It's not fair but life isn't fair my darling.

I long for one more, one more look, one more word and one more hug. Any of those I'll take no matter how small. Please. I try to be brave and I try to be strong but it's just so hard. Nobody should see me cry because it worries them and takes their precious time. I need to be there for people, not have people be there for me. It's selfish to want it back because I've cause so much pain. It's selfish it because someone else could make you much happier than I. I have a habit of being selfish don't I? Wanting what will make me happy but others not. There's always more to give.

I feel like I nightmare dressed like a day dream. It seems beautiful and pleasant, until you get too close. Then it becomes a raging storm, full of anger and power. Tearing things down and ruining towns. It seems beautiful but it's not. Except, there's nothing beautiful about me. I'm ugly, inside and out. I try and try and fail because I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I couldn't be nicer, I'm sorry I couldn't be prettier. I'm just small and fickle minded. I'm petty and selfish and jealous. The more you know me the more I just get uglier and uglier and uglier. But there are people who have worse problems than me. I shouldn't be selfish and take up you valuable time because you have your own demons.

So, I'm sorry I took up your time, I'm sorry I was selfish in posting this on here. Maybe it will help one of you, but that is wishful thinking because I am too broken and too selfish to help anybody. So, I'm sorry I'm a waste of space. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better human being and I'm just sorry.