This is not Me but I can't be Me

11/22/18

Its currently 2:58 AM I can't sleep. I just got done reading a FTM journal and Parrotfish, both transgender books! Ah, well this is impolite I haven't introduced myself! My name is currently is ---- but my male name is Liam, my age -- and current gender is female, I identify as a pansexual polymonours transgender male. What about yourself? Who are you? Its rude not to introduce yourself you know. Well I'm having a panic attack, I'm terrified of the dark and what's in it, currently I'm alone too. Well I've known I wasn't a girl since 3rd grade when I hit puberty, I just started looking in the mirror and say a stranger, a female stranger who was supposed to be me. I came out to my parents in 4th grade which they didnt take it well since that was the reason why I was cutting, I tried again in 5th but they threatened to send me to the mental hospital for 2 days where you sit in a patted room by yourself with a mirror and only get to eat 2 meals a day. I haven't come out to them since but I will before high school, I currently came out to 3 friends who call me by my male name and use the pronouns he/him. I hoped you understand a bit about me now. I done as much research as I could about transitioning all the way, it's more than 2000 dollars. My family cant use that much money, not that we are poor but that means my mom will have to work extra hard, I already barely see her as much as I despise her. To start off I'll do a chest binder, haircut, clothes, I was also going to dye my hair blue for sadness and boy. Then start the transition process. I've been having a hard time being called by my birth name and being missed gendered all the time.. I should stop rn hehe... well check out George, Coming Out and Parrotfish for transgender books!