How do you start a story like this? With hello I guess. Well, hey there.
Lets say this story is about a "fictional" character called... uh, I don't know. Right, I'll use the first name that comes to my head... Agatha! Okay, no. Jesus this is going to be difficult if I can't even think of a name. Fuck it, I'll write in first person; none of you know who I am. UGH! I don't even know how to write my own story, I am so useless! Do you know what that's like? To know you suck at everything? Screw it, let's just do this thing.
Okay so my life basically consists of getting up in the morning, going to school, hating every minute and having it drag on, and on, and on. Literally nothing good happens. Every subject dumps more work on me that I haven't got the energy or motivation to do and just makes me feel worse about myself. At morning tea and lunch, I sit in a room with six other people, four of whom are absolutely impossible for me to get along with. One is a religious freak. She literally sits there playing her gospel music loudly and when one of us complains she says "I don't care, this is what I want to listen to." Another is an absolute drama queen. You would not believe the stuff that comes out of her mouth, seriously. I try not to be a judgemental person. But this girl! It's ridiculous. She makes up these stories that so obviously aren't true. Things about her life when she was two years old that only she knows about and that she vividly remembers even the month this shit happened. Like, when I was two I could probably barely talk let alone know what months are. Anyway i'm not even getting into the stuff she says. It'll only piss me off. Anyway the other two are autistic and impossible to have a real friendship with. They can't even string sentences together properly. It might sound mean, but it fucking sucks that I get all the special needs kids dumped on me by this teacher at school. I have to look after them at the cost of my own enjoyment, partly because I'm too nice and helpful to people, but mostly because I'm not assertive enough to say no. When I finally get home from school, I go on Tumblr and ignore my mum nagging at me to study until it's bed time. I take 2 sleeping pills and 2 antidepressants.
Okay, I lied. I take 2 antidepressants and usually put the sleeping pills in a mint container, saving them up until I have enough to definitely kill me. Then I stay up for hours, cutting my arms with a craft knife. That tends to relax me enough to actually sleep.
Every day is so awful. My medication isn't helping whatsoever. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't enjoy anything. i don't see myself getting anywhere in life. I have no talents, i don't pay attention in school, i can't concentrate and i have no motivation. i'm always so tired no matter how much sleep I get. I don't mean anything to anyone; nobody values me. I don't see myself in the future ever getting married or anything because in all honesty I don't like anyone at all, I'm not sure that I ever have. I don't want to get married at all. Which just means I'll always be deemed a failure by others, because everyone is so judgemental. People keep telling me to "just try." Honestly, I'm so done with trying. Every time I try, everyone just wants more. When I was okay, I used to get good grades and tried damn hard. But my parents still got angry at me all the time. They didn't appreciate it. I've always thought everyone likes my brother a whole lot more than me. He seems so popular and perfect.
I wasn't a bad person. I've never been the type to go out drinking or to do drugs or get laid. But I was "not making enough effort" and constanly being told "you can always do more." If you're reading this, please, if you ever have kids, don't pressure them as hard as my parents did because it's part of what lead to my downfall. by all means encourage them and stuff, but when they do well you kinda need to appreciate it.
I'm a bad person now. I don't try anymore. I drink. I've just started smoking. I'm not hooked yet. I'm just waiting for an opportunity to get into drugs so I can feel something that might be positive for a little while. I have stolen. I cut every day. I mostly spend my life online. I'd done none of this at the start of this year.
I know a lot of people say there's nothing to do in their town or city. I used to say that years ago. But now I know that I didn't realize what we did have, because in February last year a massive earthquake ruined our city. Now, the main attractions consist of mini golf and just driving around aimlessly.
I've always cared too much about everyone else to ever take notice of myself. I feel like I'm only living for others, I get no enjoyment whatsoever from my life. I feel weak because although I've been through some really hard stuff compared to a lot of people, I haven't been through stuff as hard as a lot of people. I'm past caring about that though. i just can't be bothered being here anymore. i want to kill myself, i just don't want to hurt my family. I would say friends too, but I don't have any real friends. Maybe when I'm gone they'll actually care. Probably! I'm sure a lot of people I've never even talked to will say I was their best fucking friend or that they adored me. But in all honesty, nobody has been there for me. Even when I've reached out. My closest friend said she's always there if I want to talk. But every time I've tried to seriously talk to her she turns it back to herself and the conversation generally turns to something about freaking One Direction.
Every night, I dream of suicide. Like, literally every night, without fail. I have 6 ½ hours of different types of therapy a week. They all seem like chores now because nobody understands me. I don't know what the deal is, like, do they not believe me or something? Because if this is how they treat all the suicidal people it's no wonder we have such a high suicide rate in this country.
In all honesty, I wish I was never born. That way nobody would get hurt.
