What I Deserve

3:21 AM

Wednesday

13 August 2014

My first thought when the tears started rolling, was that I was going to look like hell tomorrow morning. The first thing I thought when my world was ending, and I was crying, and everything in the world wasn't right, was about my appearance. I guess that says a lot about me.

I didn't think you were the one.

Do you remember what I said that night? Is it etched in the back of your mind, burning whenever you think of me? Is that the only thing you think when you hear my name? It is for me.

I replay myself leaving, the things I said, the things I did, how I could've spared both of us. It hurts when I think about me, moving on, completely over this. If karma exists, I could be in your exact shoes in six years, or five months. I could be on the floor crying, wondering what I did wrong, wondering how 'I wasn't the one'. 

It hurts, to think about you, so I dont, I swallow my guilt and try to not to think about you. I keep busy and I keep clean and I try not to call you or apologize or ruin you again.

The crying I'm doing is painful, gut wrenching, heart breaking, it wasn't silent tears of anguish, it was grabbing things, and angry, and sad, and regretful. It reminds me of the first time you ever saw me cry. You held me in your arms, so tight; I remember thinking that you hugged me like I would fly away if you didn't keep hold. I think you were right.

I'm sorry

I remember telling you that I was sorry, like that would ease your mind or fix something. I don't think I could ever tell you, or show you how sorry I am, how much regret I feel, and felt. Maybe I could, if you'd like a jar full of my tears just call me, my number hasn't changed. I think your number changed, I wouldn't know. When your mom died I didn't call.

You know when I first heard the news I cried, and I cried, and I got out the scarf she gave me for my birthday last year, and I hugged it, and I cried. The one thing I didn't do was call you. The wounds were still fresh and I felt like an outsider. I came to her funeral though, I sat in the back and all I saw was the back of your head, I left halfway through because I couldn't handle it. How selfish of me, I couldn't handle it, and your mom is dead.

I just can't handle a relationship right now.

Saying that, and I see how weak I was, how weak I am. I still believe that I did you a favor by breaking it off like that, in a way that would give you grounds to despise me, to loathe me. I'm such a mess, I'm an emotional train wreck and I just don't see how you even stood me for that long.

In the daylight I make jokes and pretend to be happy without you, single, and ready for life. At night I cry and remind myself that this is better for you, and that I'm happy now, and I tell myself so many things. I lie to myself, and I lied to you too.

I was so scared, that you were going to find someone else, someone who wasn't like me. Someone who didn't regret everything she had ever done. I convinced myself that you weren't the one, that you didn't feel right, and that I wouldn't even miss you. I was wrong.

This is wrong.

I can still picture that face you made when I said that, the most heartbreaking face that I had ever seen. You looked so empty, and so confused, and so angry, and so sad. You thought I didn't feel the same, that's why you walked out that day without a single tear while I stood there crying and saying that you weren't the one.

I bet you thought that you had done a good thing; leaving looking like your heart was still intact. I saw you that day, doing your errands and breaking down in the middle of the store crying. I guess that now were in the same position.

You never drunk dialed me, you agreed to send me all my stuff back, you didn't write passive aggressive posts on Facebook without saying names while everybody knew exactly who it was, you were polite, more than polite, you were so nice, you were the best ex-boyfriend I had ever had. 

I still imagine you on the phone with me that day that I finally asked for my stuff back, throwing the phone, and muffling your tears with a pillow. Did you think I wouldn't notice the voice crack near the end? It matched the sound of my heart breaking.

When I'm ready to settle down one day, so completely in love that my world spins, will they back out? Will they do the exact same thing that I did to you, the thing that haunts me every day, which taints even the best of our memories together?

Will they do what I deserve?