Taken by the Light

Taken by the Light

He was sitting on a rocking chair. His eyes was tired, his voice was weak. I held his warm hands. My heart was in so much distress and sadness and I couldn't endure the pain looking at him. He was in terrible pain. I could see it in his face he was all ready to succumb to his illness.

"I love you Tatay ! I really miss you so much." I said in a rattling voice this gently break the silence surrounded us.

As he looked at me I saw some subtle sparks coming from his cloudy eyes. Those eyes were been there in the dark for so long. They have risen  trying to express an emotion that hovering inside. My father  was blind since he was 60 years old. He had an eye disease called cataract.

Now, he was already 85 years old and his body was changing, it was withering away because of his age and illness. For so many years he became so unhappy and lonely, especially when my mother passed away. I felt that dreadful feeling. I thought grieving would just last for awhile but it took me three years to finally accept that my beloved mother was really gone.

I know I have this guilt haunting me. I left my Dad alone, I should have taken care of him. But how, my job was in the city. I was only renting a small apartment. He lives with my brother in the island. We send money for his medication and their daily expenses. If only my other sisters would take care of him. But nobody wants to give a commitment. All of them were busy with their family and their own lives. How I wish my elder sister would volunteer to offer her big house in the city- I guess there was so much room for my father it would be easier and closer for all his children to visit him. There are so many hospitals or clinic nearby unlike in the island there were no hospitals close by, hospitals are located in farther towns. I don't own a place, I'm just renting a tiny room in the city closer to my work. Now that I left my job, I had finally a chance to visit my father and take care of him even for a little while.

"I'm sorry Tatay! I'm really sorry if I only  came now." I said apologetically while sitting beside his bed. He was laying down while his both eyes were shut.

I held his both hands and felt  them.

My brother told me that my father couldn't remember all his children anymore even their names. His memory was fading. A condition or disease that old people over 70 years old most likely had.

It was really heart breaking to see him like this.

I reached his forehead and gently rubbed it then I asked.

"Tatay, do you know me? Do you still remember me? I mean do you recognize my voice?"

My father nodded, and quickly responded.

"Yes of course, you are my youngest child. My Bunso who's always the top one in class since Kinder to High School. She graduated class Valedictorian I'm so proud of her." he recited.

I couldn't believe what I had just heard from him. My father, still remembers me. He never let me slipped in his memory. I was so happy – but it only lasted for a little while.  Then that happiness just faded away like a strike of  lightning.

My eyes were filled of  tears. I could no longer endure the pain I am bearing inside. The day I arrived in this house is like a punishment. I am being punished for not standing out, for not doing anything for the sake of my father.

I took the scissors and comb from the drawer and I started cutting and trimming his long grey hairs. I also shaved off some of his mustache and beards. His eye brows were a bit  longer that it almost covered his eyes.

I could say that was the happiest moment of my life, the chance I had with my father which I considered our little bonding moment.

Every night when we went  to sleep we heard his screams,  those loud screams brought by a dreadful  agony and terrible pain. We didn't know what to do. His body was shutting down. We sent him to the hospital but the doctors already told us that there was nothing they can do for my father. He got so many complications from different illness that his old body couldn't bear. He was in too much pain that he couldn't get any good sleep and peaceful rest time. When he was awake all he wanted to do was yelling and cursing. He wanted to end everything especially his borrowed life.  He was ready to be taken by the light.   He was screaming and calling for his departed love ones; his Father's name, as well as his grand parents - begging to take his life. As they were there behind the light waiting for him, reaching his hand. 

God, I don't want to see my Father suffering. Please help him contain the pain. I don't like to feel the same fear, the same pain when I witness how my Mother was literally dying and  suffering from  breast cancer. I knew how difficult it was. Seeing her in so much pain was really tormenting. It stabbed my heart over and over. If I could just take away all those pains and bear it myself I would have done it. There was nothing I wont do for the love I have for my mother. She was so close to my heart, she was my world and the first person I considered my best friend.

Indeed, it was really painful and difficult moment in our lives when we are losing our love ones.

Those pains dwelling inside me were like an atomic bomb. It exploded devastatingly. Not just once but the aftermath was like forever. I could not think of any accurate word to describe  that ill feeling as if the word  was obsolete. All I wanted was to get away or run away from it. It was like my poor heart was being stabbed by a thousand  knives in  million times.

I remember so well just like when I lost my dear mother, I told her every word, "Please don't leave us yet. I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay. If there is only  a miracle, I want you to live. You will recover and you'll be fine. But I know,  I don't want to be selfish, if leaving us in this world will give you peace and comfort and will take away all the pains and sufferings then I will let you go."

I'm telling the same thing to my dying Father. I wanted him to fight against death. I wanted him to live and stay. But neither I wanted to see him suffering and fading gradually.

"Tatay, please don't leave us yet. I still want to hold your hand. I still want to hear your voice. I still want to feel your heart  breathing. But I know, God knows I could not ask something selfishly because  you can't hold on  anymore. Just like me and the rest of my siblings at the back of our heads we wanted you to go in peace. To end your agony. So we want  you to let go of our hands. But please before you go, I just want to tell you how much I love you.  I LOVE YOU TATAY!"

I love you Tatay, I really do. I am sorry for everything. I apologize for all the times I missed to pay you a visit when Mom is still alive. I was preoccupied with lots of things including my job and personal life. 

Few weeks later, October 4 my father passed away, the moment my eldest sister arrived to visit him. I couldn't believe he tried to hold longer just to see his other children one last time. As he closed his breathless eyes we saw a single tear rolling down from it endlessly.

This time he really had to go. My mother was waiting for him. I know she would take him to a beautiful  place, a paradise I called where they could find their own comfort zone; free from any pains and sufferings, another parallel  life where they could continue to live and have another happy ever after . Where they could be together again and live happily till eternity. ***–***

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Author's Note:

I wrote this story in October  2015 when my father passed away. I first published this story at my other site entitled Please Don't Say Goodbye. I miss my father so much, and how I wish I had more time to be with him and more chance to tell him how grateful I am to have him as my father. I love you Tatay.