The Locker Diary

Chapter 1 - A Little Bit of Heartbreak

        I clearly remember the state of my mind a year ago. I believe I was suffering from an emotional, mental illness, an illness that spread within my heart and soul. It was an illness doctors would refuse to diagnoise. They referred to it as “douche bag”, “jerk”, “player”...the list goes on and on and the names get more and more horrific.

        I admit it. I was convicted and found guilty for all of these crimes. I used girls, played girls, hurt girls, hoodwinked girls, and stole from them their most valuable asset: their heart. I ripped their heart and made them believe that I would give them mine. When they realized I wouldn’t give up mine I always returned their heart, but they gave me an innocent pure heart, and it left being this black, scarred empty hole they have to carry in their chest, which was unfortunately their only choice for survival.

        I honestly can’t believe the guy I’m describing was me. I think the part I feel most guilty about was when they’d look at me with sad watery eyes, and slowly, a teardrop would roll down their curved, hill like cheeks.

            But this guy reached a turning point in his life that caused a dramatic transformation, a metamorphosis perhaps, which completely changed the outlook of his fate and the direction of the pathway to his future.

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        It was January, 1996 when I met my first love. Lana Wagner was her name.  I fell for her instantly. The way she walked so flawlessly and the way her beautiful eyes glowed in the sunlight, she was equivalent to perfection. I should’ve known these were the attributes of a cheater. But her attributes seduced me and well…like a fish falls for a worm I was hooked.

            It was pouring rain and I loved it. The smell, the feel, the sound was all so breathtaking. On rainy days I am usually outside just walking around, thinking about life. Usually people tend to run away from rain, but how can you run away from something so beautiful? As I  was walking I was thinking of ways to approach Lana. Should I send her flowers? Should I write her a hopeless romantic letter? Is it too cheesy? There are so many options but how could I choose the correct one?

            I was about to head home...when I saw her there. Lana Wagner. This was my chance to approach her. Lana was still beautiful even in the rain. Her hair was wet and she was soaking, almost drowning in water. I ran towards her. She looked like a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued by a charming knight. Maybe that charming knight was supposed to be me.

            “Hi," I said, as I was trying to catch my breath.

            “Hello," Lana said.

            “I saw you and you look liked you needed to be rescued," I said, as I pulled an umbrella over her head. "Do you mind if I walk you home?"

            “Thank you and sure…you can walk me home," said Lana, in an almost uncertain voice.

            I wonder if she thought I was a serial killer or some pathetic pervert. Either way I'm pretty sure she thought this was her last day on earth. 

            The walk to her house was silent. All you could hear were the pitter-patters of this glorious rain. I will forever be in debt with rain, for it gave me an excuse to spend a little time with Lana.

            I think I could feel her getting uncomfortable. I wonder if she could sense the awkward vibes I was sending her. After a while I couldn’t take it anymore. I was at risk of losing her. I didn’t want her to be freaked out and run away from me.