Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be, to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what's wrong, and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait. Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again. It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world wants something. Only they never really know exactly what it is — they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how when you turn off the TV, or when the concert is over and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't? It's the loneliest feeling in the world — to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away. People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside, your heart always has a way of showing it, no matter how many masks you wear. When I was younger crying always seemed to be the answer. Now that I'm older crying seems to be the only option. I'm tired of crying. But right now it seems like its all I can do. It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right. How can you understand me when I can't understand myself? It's funny the way you can get use to the tears and the pain, when all you want in the world is for it to stop. Some people try to understand, but nobody can know what living like this is like. What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care? I want to smile. Not a fake smile, a real one. But it's ironic because that's how I live my life. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I can't be happy to be who I am because I don't know who I am anymore. I've gone absolutely crazy. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left. I've come to the point where nothing matters anymore, and things I used to care about aren't worth fighting for. If I would kill myself tonight, who would notice tomorrow? I'm so broken. not half full, not half empty, not ever cracked. I'm just broken. I can't exist anymore. I can barely function. There's nothing left to me. Disgrace. That's what you can call me. After all I am me, and don't fit a certain category. I'm just a girl who lives life day by day and always manages to put a smile on my face. Even if that day I'm a complete mess. I'm just sick of trying to be happy when I know I'm such a mess inside.
