Tough Love

Between Love and Insecurities

  "Sometimes, the people that love you the most turn out to be the people you will trust the least." - Shannon L. Alder  

If someone said that Arthit was a sensitive person, Kongpob thought it would be an understatement. Right from the start, he knew that under those cold expressions, sharp words, and authoritative manner, lies a fragile persona filled with many insecurities. It was easy to see Arthit deliberately put a mask — hiding his truest feelings most of the time for only-God-knows-why.

Probably this was also why Kongpob initially was attracted to him. A natural-born leader like Kongpob — a typical alpha male personality — would find someone like Arthit so challenging to beat and win over, so exciting to decode and crack open. It was almost like a prized possession, when he found the way to create disturbances in the older's life, and subsequently found the core of warmth in the older's heart. 

However, somewhere along the road, of brave flirtation and bold advancement despite the awkward and wary response, something in Kongpob's heart changed as well. The warmth from the older's heart poured out to him and changed the course of his actions. Challenge had then became sincerity — a longing to claim the older's heart as his own and to solely bask in the warmth of it. A longing to love and be loved.

And then, he started fighting to win over Arthit's heart and he willingly began the chase. Kongpob thought, his intention was always loud and clear. From small appreciative words, taking care of Arthit when he was sick, asking him out, to allowing him to stay in his room; his actions were never ambiguous. He understood that Arthit needed that clarity — the consistency and insistence of his care and expressions of love. It was something completely new for both of them, so he had to make sure that Arthit understood that this, the word 'us' between them, was to be taken seriously. It was not a joke, was not a playful tease, was not a phase, and definitely was not a revenge of being hazed.

What Kongpob had for Arthit was pure and sincere. It was love and acceptance, despite of what others may think of him. It was a massive effort to find a path of happiness for both of them.

So, when Arthit finally gave in to his honest feeling as well and kissed him at that bridge, Kongpob was beyond relieved. He thought that finally, Arthit understood the amplitude of his love. Finally, Arthit understood the frequency of their connection.

But, almost three years after the kiss and probably hundreds memories, Kongpob found out how incredibly wrong he was about that.

***

It was like a déjà vu, Kongpob thought. No, scratch that, it's more like a bad karma.

Here they were again, inside the hall where everything started. Granted, he first met Arthit when he came for the university test. However, the beginning of their relationship was started in this very hall, where most of the hazing activities took place. The hall kept many lovely memories about them. But, the hall that usually brought smiles to his face whenever he visited it for the sake of those memories, now would ironically bring tears to his eyes.

...because it would also be the place where he decided to put a stop to whatever he had with Arthit.

Silence had been enveloping them for quite some time. It used to be so comfortable before — sitting side by side without even saying anything. It used to be okay just to be at each other's presence, just to know that the other was there and close. It used to be enough.

'But it's not anymore,' Kongpob thought. Because at this very moment, he found that silence had kept away the most important thing in their relationship. It had buried the main problem deep within and made them pretend that everything was okay — while it never was. Small kisses, tender touches, and rare quiet murmur of love might have sugarcoated the bland recipe of their relationship for some time, but at the end of the day, even those things could not completely correct the bitterness of Arthit's insecurities. 

So, maybe it was time for Kongpob to take matters into his own hand. It was a terrible gamble, he admitted, either to salvage this relationship or to completely let it sink down, unreachable, to the deepest trench of his past. But, he considered it was necessary for both of them. So, this was time for him to speak up and for Arthit to confront his insecurities.

"Time flies too fast for me to follow. We have come so far together. Don't you think so, P'Arthit?"

Arthit simply hummed. They both looked around the hall — drown in nostalgic calmness. Although in his heart, Kongpob knew that this calmness was a liar. This was a prelude to a huge and destroying storm.

"P'Arthit, do you still remember the words I said at the bridge?" Kongpob turned his head to the person he loved so dearly. Arthit nodded his head slightly. "Do you still want me to walk by your side or... you want me to stop right here?"

He knew Arthit was stunned by his question, but he desperately needed the answer. He searched Arthit's face, trying to find whatever it was that could make him abort the thing he was going to do. But, all he got was silence. Arthit still refused to answer.

Kongpob sighed, feeling defeated. So, in the end, he had to hit the last nail to the coffin. "If you can't answer this to yourself, let me return this gear for you now. When you know the answer, we will talk again."

Kongpob then left. And, that was how their hearts were broken.

***

Arthit gazed at the gear in his right palm. For engineers, the gear symbolized their hearts. He dumbly came into realization that Kongpob had decided to return his heart back.

When the gear was returned, he cried. Arthit wondered why Kongpob didn't understand. He wondered why Kongpob made it difficult for him. He merely needed space and didn't want everyone in the office know about their relationship. He was not ready and he thought Kongpob knew that. How hard was it to understand that?

But, even then, Arthit still thought that Kongpob would be back to his usual self on the next day. He would still come to Arthit, bringing him a breakfast and pink milk, and would still try to annoy him by his flirtation. But, when those things still did not happen even two weeks after the hall incident and Kongpob kept giving him cold shoulders whenever they met at the office, Arthit knew that everything Kongpob said was for real.

Rejection and hurt inevitably came down crushing on him. Anger and sadness stabbed him back. Never had he felt this helpless before. And finally, he decided to find an escape.

***