For The Fallen Ones | Brendon Urie

*One*

My name is Caroline Hensey. I'm 23 years old, and I live in Arizona. I work at the mall, Hollister specifically. Worst job ever. Hate that store. I like to draw, read, play the guitar, and listen to music in my free time. My favorite bands are Panic! At the Disco, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Twenty One Pilots, etc. "Emo" I suppose. Panic! Is my all time favorite band though. Brendon is my role model. I look up to him greatly. I'm also an only child, as if that information is even slightly relevant. Doesn't matter because both of my parents are dead. Died in a car crash two years ago. Leaving me depressed, suicidal and broken.

Two years exactly in fact, today. I think that's what made it so much more harder for me to deal with. Especially today. That it was also my birthday. How bitter sweet yeah? A day that's supposed to celebrate life, kills the two people who gave it to me. How hilarious yeah? Some fucked up game that life is I guess. The fact I never got to say goodbye, that's what rubs me the wrong way. I can't remember the long conversation I had with them, not at all. I know it wasn't bad, but wasn't necessarily good either.

I think it was about how I never get out there more or something. I do know the last thing I said to both of them though. "Love you guys, see you Thursday!" how dumb of me. I grip the picture of the three of us in my hands, my tears rolling off my cheeks, splattering on the glass of the frame. I just want it to stop. I want all the hurt and pain to numb down, and the feeling of loss to be replaced with the feeling of gain. It wasn't fair. Maybe if I.. my eyes drift to my dresser where my pill bottles were. No. Caroline no. Though, it would take the hurt away.. I stand up, and sniffle, still clenching the picture to my chest. I walk over, and just stare at the two bottles of medicine. One was a bottle of pain killers, the other was my sleeping meds that I rarely took anymore.

Sleep just didn't seem that important to me anymore. I pick up the pain killers and just stare at it. Who would care? I have no one. No one would notice me gone. I grit my teeth and drop the bottle. I can't do that. I want to, oh so badly but I can't. I need, I need someone. I can't do this. I grab my phone, and with blurred vision, and shaky hands, I unlock it. The tears kept flowing and I was honestly scared. I didn't wanna lose to myself, but it just, it seemed like the better option. I know that it's a permanent solution, and I need someone to get me through this. I scroll through my contacts, looking at someone who might be able to help. No one.

All just exes. Ex friends, and ex relationships. All fell apart because once I lost my parents I shoved everyone away. Isolated myself. Didn't let anyone in, in fear of losing them. So I made them leave so I wouldn't get hurt. At the very bottom two contacts sat. Mom Dad. I choke back a sob and just stare at them. I know their numbers are deactivated. Their phones no longer own these numbers but sometimes I like to just go through our conversations. I click on my mom's contact, and decide maybe I'd feel better if I ranted. I knew I obviously wouldn't get a reply but I didn't care.

Caroline: I miss you so much mom, ever since I lost you and dad Its been hard, I'm trying to hang on, I don't wanna give up but the thought of dying just seems so pleasant. I know you can't read this, but it feels better to rant you know? I'm trying to stay strong for you guys, but it hurts, It hurts so fucking bad and I just want it to end, i love you, and I love dad. I hope heaven is nice and I I hope I get to see you and dad, I really do. though apparently killing yourself lands you in hell, so maybe I won't.

Sent

For some reason, it just hurt more, knowing I won't get a response. It'll be unread forever. Lonely. My heart hurt worse as I turned the phone off, tossing it onto my other pillow. "Goddamnit." I mumble, more tears spilling down my cheeks, splattering the photo and my arms. I gently lay the phone next to me and just looked at the pills. Maybe I shouldn't. But, I have no one, so what's the point? I lay down, clenching the photo to my chest the bottles on my lap. I ended up passing out and awoke to my notifications going off.

Mom: who's this?

Mom: oh fuck I'm guessing this was meant for whoever had this number before me. hey, I know we're strangers but, I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine losing my parents. Just know your feelings are valid but killing yourself isn't worth it. It never is okay? If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. You can talk to me, I'll listen to you if you need to rant just please don't take your life away, live on, make them proud

Caroline: oh god I'm so sorry, I didn't know someone had her number already, sorry for bothering you

Stranger: hey hey no it's okay you didn't bother me, things happen, just know if you need a friend I'm willing to help

Caroline: wait really?

Stranger: I'd love to

Caroline: thank you so much

Stranger: an honor