It was simple to say that I didn't love you anymore.It was so simple for I did not have to lay my eyes on your broad shoulders and sweet eyes and bee-stung lips. It was far too simple when I did not have to hear your voice and laugh and whispers and whistles. It was painfully simple which was why, perhaps I believed that it was all done; and by done I mean all feelings washed away and brushed off liked dust on old books. It was done way before autumn even began and the leaves began to fall on the ground before crunching beneath your shoe. So as always, I denied it, I chose to give my other cheek to the ugly truth. I denied the fact that my heart would still jump when I thought I caught sight of someone who looked like you. I denied that I still dreamed and dreamed of you—you had become a permanent protagonist in dreamland. Most importantly I denied that I felt anything for you.Things never came easily to me. I was the girl that struggled to color inside the lines. I was the girl that struggled with long division. I was the girl that struggled to let go of my friends and familiar neighbors when I changed schools. It was why, when the easiness of this task came to me, I believed it wholesomely. I believed in the simplicity of it when I should have been skeptic of it. I thought maybe, maybe this was the beginning of simplicity that had always been with you. All things came so easy to you. It was what I envied most. I think I could have turned green if I weren't already so pink with affection for you. You could do anything without thinking twice and you would always do it right and although you hurt me and ran after you did so, I still find that characteristic awfully charming.It's absolutely delirious of me, but I can't help it.I don't know how anyone could possibly not be fascinated by you.I don't know how.It's no wonder why, now that you have returned, I am still blown away.I was blown away, right to the very past.You had been any other face amongst the many faces that surrounded me. You were any other shoulder I bumped into before saying sorry as I found my way. You were any other voice yelling out across the room, bouncing off the walls. You were any other pair of eyes roaming around, searching for answers or maybe a recognizable face.Until you weren't.I would pride myself in being that person that would go after what she wanted. It had always been this way, with just about anything. You weren't even what I wanted. So I wasn't doing the side eyes and twirling of hair and laughing extra loudly at something mundane when you were nearby. I was daydreaming and nodding my head when I was supposed to and smiling when I saw my friends through the crowd. But when you spoke to me, with your eyes and mind already set, I already felt my mind zooming in and focusing. There was something about you that came out and caught you ferociously and then yanked at your ankles. It was too difficult to pretend I wasn't even mildly interested. It was mostly challenging because I was interested. It was like watching a film, all the music and cinematography, and script thought out so thoroughly.The film was so great that it didn't matter how much your paid, the amount was worth it. It had you at edge of your seat, waiting for the next move.Your boldness and recklessness appeared out of nowhere.And you didn't leave me alone, you would pull me up with you, into the eccentric air around you. You would whisper my name to me and ask me to go out with you as I walked off and went where you couldn't go. I thought, if things were always so hard for me, why shouldn't they be for you? Things were always so hard for me, it wasn't fair to see you breeze by. I guess I should have realized that there was something that just wasn't right. Just as easily as you came, you left. You did very well at the whole disappearing act. I, stupidly, so so stupidly, thought it was almost magical. My friends always wanted to put a face to a name but just when I wanted to point you out, you would fade. I would wonder if you were perhaps a ghost or really something magical. But that was just stupid because this was real life. And only in storybooks and films did those ingenious things exist.I even dared to tell you this with my stuffy nose and white turtleneck covering my hot skin. You had laughed and without thinking or hesitating, I laughed with you. I told you, yes, it's true, it is almost as if you didn't exist. You were vanishing so quickly and your clothing and shoes and teeth would evaporate before anyone could snap a photo or say your name. I deemed your words when you told me that if that's what I thought you were, then you were.Whatever I wanted you to be, you would be, you said.It suddenly felt like a flower was blooming unanticipatedly in the very center of my chest. You hadn't promised anything to me but for some strange reason it felt like you had. There were words and phrases all of us girls had heard all too frequently that they became hackneyed. All those that were once pretty were now so meaningless they made us yawn. But I had never been told just that and much the less with those eyes under the midnight sky. I didn't even consider it once, I didn't even let the doubt set in. I kissed you and meshed my feverish skin against your cool cheeks and lips. I should have been amiable at least and acknowledged the fact that I was sick. But I didn't care and I knew you didn't either. The next few days, you would be the one with the drippy nose and bleary eyes.Your lips brushed off mine like I'd seen them do so to that strawberry ice pop out in the courtyard. I think I had even tasted the sweet taste of that red crop on your tongue. I opened my eyes and realized that you had walked me back and into the shadows. If anyone, the right anyone, looked out at the backyard, then what had just grown wings wouldn't have taken off. The corner we were in was too dark that I hesitated as my eyes focused on yours. I found it hard to make out your silhouette and much the less your features that I had already studied steadily. I almost, and when I say almost, know that I mean almost, wish that there would have been a written message in the stars for me. A message that screamed or even whispered lightly for me turn away and go home where I was meant to be. Where my mother had believed me to be sleeping, far away in dreamland. But nothing came except for your mouth latched onto mine like a gate latches on the lock to keep something closed and hidden.Perhaps my mom had nothing to worry about, I was in dreamland—at least I thought I was.
