Who am I?
What is my purpose?
Am I alive?
Or am I dead?
These questions are lingering in my mind. They can't stop, it won't stop
These questions are making me sick,they are making me dead. Sometimes I'm wondering if I will just kill myself.
But I know it won't happen. Somebody I will cry, even if fake tears will appear.
I hate whenever people say things positive to me, I feel that it's just fake, I feel that they are just plastic.
Everyday,they always say that I'm so happy to be with,to the point that I can make anyone happy,but I can't make myself happy.
But it's just a mask, that I wear everyday.
It's just my strong faćade.
Everyday I feel jealous,jealous to my siblings,jealous for giving them attention that I want.
Why can't I have the attention that I always wanted? Why are they making me feel that I'm useless?
But despite of all,I'm still wearing the mask, saying that " I'm fine" or "of course I'm okay",wearing the mask, the mask of lies.
Everyday I imagine that somebody will save me,somebody that will help me to get rid of all these horrible thoughts in my head.
But I know that no one can save me,because I always wear the mask,to conceal all the truth by the lies.
Everyday,these feelings are getting worse,these feelings are eating me, they want me to embrace them making me feel like that I'm the monster.
Every time,that I say I'm okay I feel guilty, guilty because I'm always lying.
I want to tell them that I'm not okay or please help me but they just pity me
Telling me that they will help me
But it's just a lie,I know that they don't care about me, they just care about my siblings
That I'm out of the picture in our family
Nobody can help me,even myself
It so funny that I belong to the family who never care about me
They begin this feeling, feeling lost in the darkness,feeling this insecurities in my veins.
Please wake me up,wake me up,wake me up in this world of darkness,please let me escape,escape in the reality
Please let them realize that I'm scared, scared that will embrace me to death
That I always say in my head,help me
But that all I can do, saying help in my mind.
Everyday,They always compare me my siblings, they always say my siblings are better than me.
In their eyes I'm the worst.
What they have that I don't have? Is it the achievement? The beauty? Or the money?
But I have those so what do i need to have inable to be like them?
I so sick in this words,the words that making me horrible
Horrible as monster
Everyday,I always try to smile at them, so they know that I still sane.
Everyday,I try to make friends in school,ending up laughing at them,teasing them and they always say 'you so happy,I wonder if you have a problem' that hit me so much.
Yes,I have a problem,a problem that you cannot fix.
I wonder if I just kill them,so nobody can ask me that stupid question.
But I know,it will just do worst,making me feel a demon,a fallen angel.
I wish I still my old self,the one who always truth about myself,but I know that my old self will never comeback
Everyday,I still wearing the mask
Wearing them making me feel numb that I don't know anymore if I'm happy or angry or sad.
I still wishing that the light will come to me,come to save me,come to escape from this world of darkness
Everyday,I always say to my self "Stop it"
Stop it,the words that I want to tell to my nightmare,to my horrible thoughts,that will lead me to death
Please help me,The sentance that I always tell to my family
But they just scolded me,saying 'Why you need help? Look at your siblings,they can do anything without help'
Please stop all of this,this simple words can destroy my life
Please wake me up
Help me
Help me remove this mask
Save me
Even I'm saying that I'm fine
Please let me see the light
That is all I can do,saying help even though nobody can help me
Nobody can hear me
Nobody can see myself
They just see me as a trash
I remember when I'm still okay
The day when I was so innocent,I don't know how to feeling down,depressed and insecurities
Until the darkness was found me
I was thinking,what is the solution of all of this?
When I'm so insane,so depressed that I tell to my family that I'm not okay
"Mom,dad"
"What? Can you see that we busy"
"I just wanna to say that I love you"
"Okay,go away"
"Goodbye"
I walk away from the and a see the rope
I hang myself and jump until I lost my breath
"Goodbye mom,dad,I just waking myself from this reality"
My last words that never to be hear
At least,the darkness will never embrace me
At least,I know the answer of all of this question
At least,My family will be so happy
A/N:Dedicated to S_I_C_D to edit my wrong grammar and to my cousin that very beautiful
