Tuesday
She told me she loved me today. I didn't know what to do, so I kissed her and left. I don't know why, but I couldn't tell her I felt the same.
Friday
I haven't looked at her in three days. Dinah asked me what happened, I told her to fuck off. I'm ruining my relationship with everyone.
Saturday
I made eye contact with her. Her eyes are still brown.
Sunday
We talked today. She apologized. I didn't know what to say, so I cried. I hate being vulnerable in front of her.
Wednesday
I can't remember the last time I called her Camz.
Thursday
We talked again. I cried for two hours and forty five minutes. She held me. I told her that I'm in love with her, then I left.
Monday
We've been interacting more. Everyone has noticed. Dinah asked me what happened again, I told her to ask Camila.
Saturday
We've been sitting next to each other during interviews. I complimented her on camera today. I kissed her after the show. Then I cried.
Tuesday
We haven't talked since I kissed her. Dinah asked me why I was acting like this. I couldn't find it in me to tell her that I'm terrified.
Wednesday
I talked to my mom on the phone today. I subtly brought up marriage equality. She told me it made her sick to her stomach. Then I cried.
Friday
I kissed Camila out of the blue today. She told me she couldn't keep doing this. She said that it hurt too much. Then I cried. She asked me why I cry so much.
Saturday
We had sex in her hotel room. Then I cried. She asked me why I cried so much. I told her everything.
Tuesday
I put my hand on her inner thigh during a radio interview today. I almost puked but I've never seen her smile so wide. It was worth it. I wanted to cry, but I didn't.
Friday
Dinah asked me what was going on between us. I told her to ask Camila.
Saturday
Dinah asked me what was going on between us again. I told her to ask Camila. She told me to come ask with her. Camila told her everything.
Monday
I called her Camz today.
Wednesday
She asked me to be her girlfriend. I didn't know what to say, so I left. I wanted to cry, and I did.
Saturday
I didn't look at her for two days. She kept apologizing. I said yes. I wanted to cry, but she did.
Wednesday
She asked if I was ready to tell the other girls. I said no. She understood.
Friday
We've been interacting too much in public lately. People are starting to get suspicious. Dinah asked me what was going on between us. I told her. She said she was happy for us even though my family wasn't. I don't know how she knew that.
Saturday
We told the other girls today. They were all really supportive. Especially Dinah, who knows more about my family than she should.
Monday
The tour is almost over. I told Camila I couldn't go home. She invited me to live with her. I told her I'd just rent an apartment in LA. She said she'd come with.
Tuesday
I told my mom I wasn't coming home. She asked why. I told her everything. I asked Chris to take some stuff from my room and hide it. He asked why. I told him everything. He apologized. So did I. I cried.
Friday
We've lived together for two months. I've never been happier. Nor have I ever been so depressed.
Tuesday
We're back on tour. Camila asked me why I've been so sad lately. I told her not to worry about it.
Friday
Chris called me. Mom is in the hospital. They think it's cancer. I'm not going to visit her. Maybe when tour is over.
Wednesday
The girls said they were worried about me. They told me I should go visit my mom. Camila and Dinah were the only ones who understood. I cried in front of them for the first time.
Friday
Camila slipped up in an interview. Management almost slit her throat. She thought I'd be mad at her. I'm not. I should slit my throat.
Thursday
Mom is dying. I have to go see her. Camila offered to come with. We fly out after the show.
Friday
She's too sick to hate me. I reintroduced her to Camila. She's too sick to hate her. I got my stuff from Chris. I wish it was me on their death bed. Not so much because I don't want her to die. I just want to die.
Wednesday
It's been well over a year since Camila told me she loved me and I kissed her and I left.
Friday
Mom died today. The funeral is on Monday. Dinah told me not to go. Normani told me I had to go. Ally agreed with her. Camila told me to do whatever I was comfortable with.
Thursday
I love her. That's the only reason I'm holding on.
Saturday
I blew off an interview today. I couldn't get out of bed. Camila lied with me for seven hours until it was time for the show.
Monday
A fan asked me if I was okay today. I asked what she meant. She said that I'd seemed really sad lately. I told her I was fine. We took a picture together. Then I left.
Sunday
I can't do it anymore. It's too much. I'm sinking. I have pills. I have vodka. She'll be better off without me. They all will. I'm sorry, Camila. If you see this, I love you.
/
I was going through Lauren's backpack today and I found this journal. I felt guilty about going through her stuff, but, I'm glad I did. This journal is kind of incomplete, in my opinion. It illustrates some of the more important moments in her life and our relationship, but, leaves a lot out. It doesn't state her feelings too much, either. I don't know why I'm writing in here, this is probably disrespectful. It's been a month since Lauren killed herself. She did it on August 19th. I felt responsible at first, even though there's probably nothing I could have done. I love her so much and I don't know what to do without her. She was so beautiful, inside and out. I told her I loved her as much as I could, but, looking back, it doesn't really feel like enough. There are so many things I would've done differently had I known how things would turn out. I still can't believe she's gone. I've been watching old interviews just so I can hear her voice. I've been watching camren compilation videos to relive our relationship. I don't know how to make things hurt any less. I just want her back. Everything gets better in time, I suppose. I should stop writing in her journal, this still seems disrespectful.
P.S.
Bye, babe.
P.S.S.
I love you, Lo.
