Disintegrate - Z.M

0 - after

I made too many mistakes, and I let you walk away too many times. I should've remembered your favorite songs. I should've laughed at your jokes. And I don't know what I was thinking. You never liked red anyway. We're both guilty, but I feel like I'm the only one who wants to peel themselves apart layer by layer.

I have to tell myself that it's not my fault. It's the only way I can drag my heavy limbs out of bed and stumble into the shower and go about my day without breaking down. I have to lie to myself to keep myself together.

Things are different now. I see in dull colors. The world is rushing at me, distorted, but I find comfort in chaos. People are blurry. I watch them laugh and talk and love, and I wonder how. Why am I still here, in this strange, beautiful place between life and death? I should be okay by now. Something is wrong. I can't smile, and I can't remember what your nose looks like.

Maybe this is good. I need to let you fade from the back of my eyelids, flicker out like the embers of a dying fire, disintegrate. There is no beauty in this kind of sadness. I can't let it corrode me.

I used to smile more. I know I did. I can feel memories of happiness like ghosts, melting away. Why don't you have to die every night just to feel something in your veins? Why can you still smile as long as it's not with me?

I want to see your cheeks stretch, your teeth shine. I picture you smiling a lot. I picture you smiling alone, when I'm not with you, when there's no one around to compress your brittle bones. I imagine that you're happier without me. I know you are.

I don't know what I did to us, but I can fix it. Just tell me. Please tell me, I'd do anything, I can't stand it, this distance between us, the rift is too wide, if I try to jump across, I'll just fall in, I try to remind myself that you're worth it but it's getting harder and harder every day. Please don't let me forget you.

I love you. And if you loved me the way I love you, you'd be dead. I wish you did. It would be nice to have someone to wither away with, whose ashes mine will mingle with after I've crumbled into nothing. Maybe if I was dying by your side, I wouldn't wake up at night weeping for things too beautiful to own.

I shouldn't have gotten used to your body next to mine. I should've known you'd cut me apart even after you left. Maybe I did know. But now, it's too late. I'm already drowning, shoved under the surface, salt burning my eyes, lungs crying, crying, weak. You sit on the shore and watch me with a sad smile on your lips.

Why does time feel so different now? Why are the nights longer than the days, like it's winter instead of spring? The sun slips through the sky, quick and bright, but the moon is a stain on a midnight dress that won't come off. Every star hurts like a knife, but I've started to wonder if I prefer it this way.

I still love you. I don't know why.

Ok this isn't cohesive at all lmao I'm sorry but thanks for reading :)

p.s there's gonna be a song I listened to while writing at the beginning of each chapter. the songs aren't necessarily related to the chapter i just like them ha ha