Badass Chic

Chapter 2

"Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real."

- Cormac McCarthy

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Its only a dream.

I realized as I opened my eyes that is now filled with tears and horror.

I sit up frantically looking everywhere to find some threat, but found none.

"CAN THIS EVER GONNA STOP?!"
I shouted, now that I'm conscious of my own. I'm thankful that its only a dream, but you wouldn't be that grateful when it happens to you every single night.

I gritted my teeth as I shouted hysterically addressing to no one particularly, while my breathing is still abnormally fast.

I smiled bitterly holding my chest and whisphered quietly to myself "Stupid dreams, always bothering me.." I said hoarsely.

"Damn it" I cursed. "Damn you all" I added. My tears won't stop as I bit my lower lips hard, I think I tasted blood but didn't care as long as I can stop these damn tears. When it still doesn't work, I faced the ceiling hoping my tears would finally stop and bump my backhead at the headboard repeatedly whispering incoherent words.

Breathe in. Breath out. I said in my mind, trying to calm myself.

You might be wondering what's going on with me. This is getting out of hand I may say. I feel shit all over again. Yet, as generous as I am.
I unwelcome you to my world of despair. Welcome readers, this is the world I lived in. Welcome to my personal hellhole.

Okay hell is maybe a bit exaggerating, but you know what I mean. Sometimes I can be dramatic. Pff I blurted and smirked on how ironic my life is. Wanna change lives? I bet you wouldn't.

But then, I think about my episode awhile ago. Life is a bitch and this is not new to me anymore anyway. Hence, I'll never get used to it, maybe I'll never be. But I deserve all this suffering.

Sigh. I heaved.

My thoughts are running as I stare ahead. Nobody knows, but this is just one of those countless nights I woke up from the same nightmare. Nightmares that had always followed me around, never letting me forgetting the guilt. It always broke me down and tore me apart until I feel shit. That's why I'm scared to fall asleep, but it's not my dream that actually scared me. It's my past that never left me.

And its just starting...but you've already got to witness me in my most vulnerable state. And it sucks whenever I'm weak in times like this. I feel helpless. Thought I'm over it when I finally getting a goodnight sleep, but guess I'm not. I probably should visit Mira again these days, but in return I've to endure all her endless sermons and then she'll be worrying for nothing, Ughh she'll be nagging nonstop and stuff I heard many times, that's why as much as possible I don't like bothering her with my misery, I can't be fixed, I'm a lost case. Besides, i don't deserve getting help from her. Its just my mom won't take a no from me. Crazy mom.

Sigh. I heaved again.

Consciousness is now with me. Obviously. It felt funny mocking my own thoughts. Maybe Mira's right when she said that I'm unconsciously creating my own survival mechanism from the misery.