Pure life
Silence. When everything was quiet and Jackson could hear nothing but his boyfriend's heavy breath, he knew that something was gonna happen. It was like the sun before the darkness. The calm before the storm. The quiet place before someone was gonna pin him against a mattress ,or occasionally against a wall, and make him scream. The quiet place was hard to describe. There was no tension, no laughs, no screams, it was just them. Pure life. Not even their favorite song would've been heard if it played on the little radio from the 80's that was standing on the little table in front of their couch. Blue neon lights wouldn't get them from separating their views from each other. It was just life. Pure Harmony before hell came. Everyone always thinks he'll is a bad thing, but what if it actually feels good? What if someone can enjoy feeling pain for sometimes several hours because he thought he deserves the pain? What if he liked to suffer? The happiest song could be a sign for suffering. The loudest laugh could just be an excuse to scream out pain. We will never know what is going on in someone's mind but Jackson knew what his boyfriend was planning.
When that little sigh escaped Yugyeom's mouth he knew something was up. It wasn't that he wanted to make him scream in a sexual way. Yugyeom wanted his boyfriend to scream all his anger out. The song changed and so did the atmosphere. The tension was huge. Of course Jackson knew what to say, he always did, but there was no way he was gonna admit how weak he actually was. Not that Yugyeom didn't see the scars all over his body, not that he was there when Jackson broke down in the middle of a street because he was surrounded by too many people. No, he saw everything. Every flaw and every imperfection the older one had. He watched him breaking and then put him back up, helped him standing and guiding him through life. He watched him bleeding to almost death, but he took his shirt off and wrapped it around his wrist to stop it from bleeding. The day Yugyeom came home and saw a knot hanging from the ceiling, he ripped it off and hung it back into their garage. The night he came home from dance practice and saw Jackson's pale body swimming under the water, his eyes closed and a little yellow letter und a box in which the necklace was he got him for their anniversary, he carried him out of there, called the ambulance and stayed by his side until he knew if he was okay or not. Yugyeom did that, every time. This was the quiet place. And soon it wouldn't be anymore. Because today he came home to Jackson just sitting there and saying nothing. The Chinese boy never behaved like that. NEVER. The Korean has never seen his boyfriend like this before. Not before or after all the times he tried to end his life, not before or after the few times he broke down..never. He knew this was the end. Not only for their relationship but also for his life. Yugyeom promised Jackson to let him go when that day would be here. And it was now.
„I am sorry." Yugyeom whispered after a long while.
„I am sorry I couldn't make you happy, I am sorry for that I made everything worse. I am sorry I couldn't always be there for you if you needed me.". Usually he never cried,this was the first time.
Jackson knew he meant that. Knew how he his tears were his deepest emotions. Knew how real this was. The feeling of wanting to end everything grew stronger with every second.
With his eyes filled with tears he looked into his boyfriend's eyes and smiled.
„You will find someone better. Someone who doesn't hurt you like I did." He said and let his tears flow.
„I was never able to love you the way you loved me. I kept disappointing you, hurting you and breaking my promises."
Yugyeom just looked at him with a confused face. In his eyes Jackson never did any of those things.
It wasn't worth fighting over something like that in that very moment. Even though he wanted to say something he couldn't.
Jackson couldnt either.
„If..if you do it.. i will too.." said the younger one some minutes later. With the pills in his significant other's Hand, that one stood up and shook his head.
"It is MY decision-„ he started his sentence but was interrupted.
"Yes, and so it is mine to stay with you so give me that fucking thing. I am sick of you thinking you could just run away from me, what is you problem!? You are perfect to me and if you want or not I will always stick with you and follow you every step and way you go.."
Jackson had to think about that first. Yugyeom was always willing to help him and take care of him. He loved that boy more than himself.
"Alright. If you really want to do this with me, we will do this. Tomorrow, on our anniversary day."
Both of them agreed on that.
