Sins Of Tears

I can still hear the sirens, everything. I wish I couldn’t, but I can. The pain. I can remember every little detail. I can remember the way everyone’s faces contorted into grotesque masks. I suppose it wasn’t me, twisting everything into colour, shine and creatures from my worst nightmare. No, it wasn’t me. It was the pills.

The doctor told me to write it all down, it will help.

“Where should I start?” I asked him.

“At the beginning” He replied.

1989

Chris, Luke Jake and I were going to a party at Harry’s house. His Parents were out, away at some event down south, so we all knew that this party would be worth going to. Before it started, the guys came around to my house. My parents were never home and even when they were, they didn’t care what I was doing. They gave up all hope of me becoming someone great, so I was nothing more than a waste of space to them. We trudged to Harry’s. He only lived down the road. He was drunk; we could tell he had gotten into one of Harry Senior’s many Cases of whiskey.

 “Violet, how’s my favourite wildflower?” I was waiting for that, always the same pickup line. It never worked.                                                                                                                                                                 “I’m coping.” I wasn’t going to tell him how I really was, how I was a disappointment to my parents and everyone. How the only people who loved me were the boys, Chris, Luke and Jake. “Now how about we put some tunes on?” I barged past Harry and put on a record.

It had been about 20 minutes, when suddenly someone yelled “FUZZ.”  We all looked at each other as if we had just realised how small the door was and were working out the fastest method of escape. Jake grabbed my hand and dragged the other two behind him as there was a mad dash to the door. Everyone was pushing past, trying to get through the door. It was a mission, but we finally made it out onto the street and ran back to my house. Once we were in the gates, we all laid down on the grass. We used to do it a lot, as an escape, especially around exam times. It allowed time you to relax and watch the world go around, as if you weren’t a part of it.

That’s when it happened.  We saw the van. The van that the cops were after. (That’s why they were at the party, doing a search. Being the neighbourhood we are, we have to be careful about random cop searches at parties, because we are the elite. The cops give in to bribes, but the newspapers don’t.  If your dad owns half of the world’s oil and you are caught with cocaine or heroin, well then the papers attack your family and your dad’s business goes down from there, you are named a slapper and life is living hell. All of the universities that were begging for you to go there, have closed their doors on you.)The van was black, with black tinted windows. The van dealt all the heavy stuff. You can’t blame us, we were four 17 year old teenagers that hated their parents and were slightly drunk. We went to the van and had a look at their stock. I looked at Jake and he looked at the others. We were all thinking the same thing.  This was too hard-core for us; we just wanted to get high. They told us where their base is and told us to contact them if we wanted something. They also mentioned that if we told anyone where their base is or that we met them, we would die. We believed them.

My Parents still weren’t home so I told Jake, Luke and Chris that they could crash at mine. I had a box with a key that I kept mu supply in the guys kept theirs in it too sometimes. You see, we were all different types of people. Chris was the sweet nerd, the type that every parent wants and the kid that my parents would swap me for at the blink of an eye. Chris’s parents actually cared about him and his good grades. Luke was a rocker; He liked Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones and music like that. His parents cared as well. Then there was Jake…. There is only one word that I could use to describe him. Jake was Jake. He had dark hair, blue eyes so transparent, that when I looked at him, I could see through to his soul. He wore a leather jacket every day, just like me…

“Violet, Violet” I looked up and there was the Doctor. “You can stop writing now” I dropped my pen and broke down. The next part is the hardest.

It was about two days after we had made the mistake of meeting the guys in the van. Chris was reading the newspaper, when suddenly he swore. I was making everyone coffee and dropped the tray. We all got a fright because he never swore. Ever. Jake looked up from his crossword and asked him calmly, “what’s wrong? what’s happened?”

He shakily replied “Well, you know the guys in the van, they’ve been caught.”

Luke got up from his chair and started pacing. I asked him what’s wrong.

 I must have looked puzzled, because I had three pairs of eyes looking at me as though I was completely nuts.

Jake looked at me with wide eyes and said “I wonder who ratted them out”

I went over and put a hand on his shoulder and started rubbing it. “We should be fine, it wasn’t one of us.”

A few weeks later, I noticed the increasing number of police patrol cars, roaming the streets. I felt uneasy. I switched on the Television and nearly fainted when I saw the headlines.

“One of the drug lords captured a few weeks ago has escaped police custody. The police are doing all they can with the help from the drug squad. His name is Rodrigo Banderas, Hispanic and extremely dangerous. Do not approach.”                                                                                                                                                                  It all happened too fast, the gunshot, someone screaming Violet run. I lost the only thing that mattered.

Apparently Rodrigo thought that it was us who turned them in. He wanted revenge. It was about 7:00pm and I was expecting the guys to come over for a get drunk and high night. I looked out the curtain and saw Jake. He was walking into my gate when he saw me. He smiled and waved. I came out to greet him. Chris and Luke arrived just at the wrong moment.                                                                                               Chris did something he had never done before. He pulled me into a tight hug, leaned back and gazed into my eyes. I got lost in his. He put his hands on my waist and gently pulled me closer to him as his face slowly inched towards mine. I still remember this moment. It is still the best thing that ever happened to me. When out lips touched, the world stopped and I actually wanted to be alive for once. I had waited five years, four months and two weeks for this moment.  Of course all good things have to come to an end. We broke apart and heard the sound of squealing tyres. Jake screamed at me to run, I didn’t want to leave him, but Chris and Luke made me. I heard a gunshot and looked back. My Romeo was lying on the ground, with that evil… Rodrigo standing over him. Rodrigo looked up at me, and said “I told you not to tell.” He jumped back into his car and sped off into the night. I ran over to Jake and kneeled beside him. “Jake, Jake wake up. I half yelled and pleaded. His eyes fluttered open, and with his last few breathes he said “Violet, you are the most beautiful wildflower I have ever seen. I love you, shine on you crazy diamond”. His eyes closed and his head was heavy. The night grew still and all I could hear was his last breathes echoing in my head.

I’ll be blunt. I wanted to die. The only thing I could feel was pain and agony. My heart was broken and there was a stabbing pain in my chest. I ran into my room and opened the box with a container of sleeping pills. I remember opening a bottle of vodka and grabbing a bottle. I ran outside with them, to Jakes body. I knelt down beside him and put three pills in my mouth and a swig of vodka, I kept doing this until the bottle was empty. One of my neighbours must have seen Jakes body because an ambulance was hurtling down the road.

I remember the lights, the sirens, everything. I wish I couldn't, but I can.The pain.The pain in my chest, which only one person could heal. I can remember the way everyone’s faces twisted into grotesque masks. I suppose it wasn’t me, twisting everything into shine, colour and creatures from my worst nightmare.no.it was the pills.