Unspoken Feelings

Chapter 2 - The Second Time

**trigger warning

^^should I even write that anymore? It's pretty clear that almost every chapter have a triggering part. What do u think? Or should I put a sign when the chapter DOESN'T have TW?

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That one experience is enough to make a child traumatized, and I am. Every time I made a mistake, I was afraid I would get beaten up again. So I did my best to not make any mistake. It doesn't happen to me anymore, they're back being my loving parents.. until I just turned 4 years old.

At that time I was asked by my teacher where was I born, of course I don't know the answer so they make it a homework for me to find the answers. Where was I born, on what date and what year. Okay, for us maybe that's an easy task, super easy. Apparently, not for a kid. I was showering with my mother when I asked about the answers, she said it's Yogyakarta, 29th May 2000 (yes I'm from Indonesia. If you don't know Indonesia, you know Bali? Yea that's in Indonesia, some people thought it's a separate country though.. idk why). My mom also thought that this is a good time to try to pronounce my full name (let's say it's Santi Anugrah Wibowo).

The name of the city is hard to pronounce, well for a child. I was like.. what? Yoya? Yokarta? I tried so hard to pronounce that correctly and my mom is starting to get frustrated. Her voice is getting louder and louder, she ended up yelling to me. It's already hard for me to remember all of that, but with the loud voice?, it's even harder. I started shaking from the fear and I move back, trying to get as far as possible from my mom. She gave up and try moving to my name, which is even harder to remember. 

I started to get frustrated to and I said "I can't do this mom! It's too hard!" A. Big. Mistake. I guess that was her last straw, she started yelling profanities and honestly, I could only understand it after I was much older. I only know stupid. 

"YOU STUPID FUCKING CHILD, REMEMBER IT! C'MON SAY IT!" one slap on my right cheek. She grabbed my arm tight and dragged me to the corner of the room. My feet didn't even touched the ground when she dragged me, I was solely hanging on my arms. I could remember the pain clearly, even now. I was thrown into the corner of the bathroom. I touched the angry red finger marks she left with my right hand and I leaned myself to the cold white tiles. Tears threatening to fall from my eyes, my chest tight, holding down sobs. I want to scream. My body shaking from head to toe and I feel so cold. Not because I was naked and wet, or the cold tiles, but because this is what I feared the most. I was afraid this would happen again and here I am, standing, cornered. 

Another hit that made my head slammed onto the wall. My ears ringing and I bit my tongue from the pain. My head throbbing, but I tried to open my mouth, to say the words. She kept hitting me.

"COME ON, SAY IT. CAN YOU OPEN MY MOUTH? DO YOU HAVE A VOICE?? SAY IT YOU STUPID SHIT!" I did try, but I was shaking so much and her punches definitely didn't help. 

"Stop! Please, let me try. Give me a second" I whisper-shouted with a very shaky voice. "Please mom" I whispered again as tears started pouring down my face. I felt so scared, ashamed, and.. weak. I have never felt so weak in my entire life. 

After several tries, I could finally say my full name and where I was born. Several more hits and me keep repeating those words, and then we're done. She got out of the bathroom like nothing happened inside, while I was still in a shock. I grabbed my towel and started wiping my body. Checking out the bruises that's stating to form. The worst is on my leg, and I'm pretty sure my back is bruised too. Most of the bruises was only starting to turn slightly blue, but the one on my leg is already yellowish and my back hurts like hell. It even hurts when I wiped the towel over my back, it's so sore and tender. 

My mom caught me checking the bruise on my leg and she looked.. sorry. 

"I'm so sorry baby, I didn't meant to make you bruised. I was just so frustrated that you can't seem to remember it correctly. It's so easy. I'm sorry my baby, I love you" and she kissed my cheek. Later on we would find out that, those sentences? It's a fucking lie.