Paraprosdokians...
(A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.)
*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
*The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
*If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
*We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
*War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
*I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
*Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
*The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
*Evening news is where they begin with Good evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
*To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
*A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
*How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
*Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
*I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
*A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
*Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."
*I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
*Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
*A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
*You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
*The voices in my head have some good ideas! Eight out of 10 of them say "Don't shoot".
*I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
*Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
*There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
*I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
*I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
*You're never too old to learn something stupid.
*To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
